…on It Only Hurts When I Say “I Love You”

It was a bitter hug. It felt real and like we would be together again. But I knew that we were never gonna be as young and as free as we felt when we began. It was a hug that I knew meant the end. After the long embrace. After the tears welled up. After we released I knew that as much as I loved every minute – the memory of when I knew when it was love, when I knew she was more than a friend, when I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her – we would never reach that again.

She got into her car and slowly pulled out of the driveway. Goodbye love……forever. You’ve been replaced by what would grow into hate.

Not that it would have lasted anyway. She never saw how much I gave or how much I sacrificed. My very being. I had become a “people pleaser”. I had given myself entirely over to her. But in one instant where I voiced my feelings it became a power struggle. How much can I do to break him. I had kept my voice down for the longest time. Never do anything to upset the status quo. I had deserved happiness but was giving up who I am to be that “happy”. And the second I tried to regain it, I was “in the wrong”. How? How is that wrong?

I wanted to be happy too dammit. I’ve earned it just as much as you had. When you needed time for your family “emergency” I gave it to you. But when my sister needed her brother because of what she was facing your response was “You don’t want to see me”. Really? You immediately think that because I love my family, I’m in the wrong. You twisted everything to your benefit. I think most of the anger comes from the fact that I can’t even begin to guess what it was you were using me for. Emotional support? I became attracted to you because you appeared to be confident but it was all some ruse? Like I was some kind of safety? How dare you. Why even consider me that? Like at some point I wouldn’t expect you to give as much as you took?

I hugged her one last time. We had remained hopeful. Like maybe we could eventually work passed what we had become. Like we could over come this parody of a relationship to become a real loving couple again. But I knew.  I knew the whole time.

*****

It had become so difficult to get her to respond to anything I had said. Every time. Send a text and no response. Call and directly to voice mail. I knew that the ending was coming. But sometimes the ending is the hardest thing to face.

What did you want from me? To lie back and let you decide what you needed or wanted. You were so into the relationship. It’s as if I was everything you wanted. Your lips trembled at every kiss. Your body shivered ecstasy when we embraced. You wanted me and everytime we lied together in bed you were at peace.

We rushed into each others embrace. When we first met it was as if the world and all it’s worries melted away. But as soon as love appeared you pulled away. Afraid. Was this not what you wanted? Was this not what you sought when we had met? You seemed so much into all that it brought – the glory, the revelation, the sweat and tears and past and future – made right. And in one evening of confusion you ran. Away.

I’ve been through it so many times that I knew exactly what was going to be said before it was said. And as a defense I immediately threw aspersions. To make you hate me. I will not cry. Or at least as far as you know. Because I’d rather you hate me than know I actually cared about you.

*****

That entire week was a sign. Why hasn’t she just come out and say it already? It was a phone call I dreaded. She didn’t even have to speak. It had become an all too familiar game. Even though she was the first.

We met at a friends wedding. You were the photographer. But there was something about you that made me yearn for you.

Our first date….I was so nervous that you had to take my hand. But the rest of the night we held hands forever. And the first kiss. It was the first real kiss I had in so long. Passion and lust and fire and adrenaline and tender. Your lips were like an unknown sweet divinity given by heaven. Kissing you was like kissing the cheek of God. But I knew that if we rushed, then it wouldn’t be real.

But we moved slowly forward until that fateful night where we lied next to each other. I felt the warmth of your body against me and I knew….you had become more than a friend to me. You had become my love. I whispered softly into your ear. “I love you.”

A week later I received the phone call. She had been thinking a lot that week and she had a revelation. She would never feel the same way about me as I did her. Crushed, I threw the phone. You will never know what hurt you gave me.

*****

It was so hard for me to tell you. The look on your face wasn’t anger or hurt. You were disappointed. It’s the look a parent gives a child when they misbehave. I wanted so badly to appeal to you. To say I’m sorry. To make amends. Because of all the women I had, have and will love, none of them come close to you. It was you that had me from the beginning. And to this day, in some way, you always will.

I met you when I was actually dating someone else. I remember it so vividly. You were waiting tables. I had taken a doomed love there to make it a romantic evening. The funny thing is it was my girlfriend at the time who pointed out how beautiful you are. She was bi and she brought you to my attention. A while later after my current relationship ended I met you while I was cooking at a diner. You were so full of life. A smartass who dealt so deftly with my smartass. God made you exactly for me.

The courtship was slow and very time consuming. You told me from the very beginning that it was hard for you to trust. I didn’t realize it then but I was so willing to wait. To build that trust. Every moment with you was pure bliss. It took so much courage for me to ask you out and you said yes. I was the luckiest man in the world. 5″8″ of pure heaven. Legs that went on forever and just the most willing heart. The laughter was second to none. Even when we argued you always had the future in mind. I loved watching your naked form walk across my room.

I never told you, but I loved you. Hell, in some ways I still do. But before you went to see your family in Florida, we had an argument. I had insulted you. I made a crack at the one insecurity you have. I apologized and we hugged. And I knew that when you returned, everything was going to be fine. But while you were away, I cheated on you. The guilt ate me up.

When I confessed to her, she seemed like she was going to cry. Or at least I thought she was going to. She calmly got up and went about gathering her things. It was over before it had actually begun. All the trust I had built up to that time, I destroyed because I thought I was a “playa”. She wasn’t mad. Just disappointed. Like a parent with a small child.

I miss her the most.

*****

I remember the name of every lover. Well, almost every lover. But I will always remember the names of those that held my heart.

Maybe the beers weren’t a good call. And maybe humor would save this post. But right now, I’m not into saving this post.

I’m into confession.

Yeah, sometimes the Cure is the best band for the moment.

…on Labels

Note: I missed one last night so I’m double posting today.

Interesting conversation always brings up funny stories.

I was dating this girl a few months back and we were talking about food. I made the comment about how I would love to visit places that are considered culinary meccas. Paris was one of them. To experience their cuisine. And her response was:

“You’re such a liberal.”

Uh…….what the hell?!?

Maybe you guys could help me figure this one out. What in the bloody hell does my interest in culinary bucket list have to do with politics? Wouldn’t a conservative or anarchist be just as inclined to want to try new foods from around the world?

…on New Year’s Eve

EUREKA!

I’ve got it. Somebody asked me if I had a New Year’s resolution a few days back (Actually nobody asked me that but this little post needed a starting point and this is what I had. Let me fuck this chicken, okay.) and I didn’t have an answer.

But I got one now. My New Year’s resolution is…….to come up with some resolutions next year.

Because I don’t buy it. If there was something that made me unhappy then I will change it….right when I realize I’m unhappy with it.

And there is the gist of this little post. I am happy. Not entirely. I mean, I am human and American and a dreamer and a romantic and a Libra and I ramble…..and from that last word I’m also an obvious stater. So there are things I wish I was doing (Starting on my epic novel of epicness and adventure, on a plane to an island, in a bed with a beautiful woman, saving the world from SPECTRE……seems I wish I were James Bond apparently.) But on the whole, I’m pretty content. The novel will happen. The beautiful woman will happen. The island may not but a beach somewhere will. As for SPECTRE…well, they’ll get away this time but there will be a day when I can finally vanquish them and free the world from their tyranny.

My point is….no regrets. Fall in love people. Get on the plane – unless it’s you being lead onto a plane at gun point in which case DON’T GET ON THE PLANE, FIGHT BACK! Or if you can’t afford the tickets at this time, but in that case I would like to addend that to “save your money for the tickets to get on said plane”. Wrestle that bear (Only apply this one if you happen to be at a carnival and bear wrestling is one of the events where they are allowing the audience to participate because the secret is the bear is tame and has been trained for show so it’s pretty safe.)

I intend to live a little more this year. I hope every body else does the same.

…on “Born In The Wrong Damn Era”

“Ever get that feeling like you’re about to do something epic and life altering? Well, not life ALTERING per se. But epic none the less.”

That’s what I posted as an update a few days back. It’s how I’ve been feeling lately. Even before I got a phone call.

“Why do you blog?” That was the question posed to me by a friend today.

But before I get into all that, let’s do a back story. History class style. Or at least with the appearance of it being a history class.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: Paris, Italy, Spain, Cuba, various other parts of the Caribbean.
The man can be best described as The Writer of the twentieth century. Have I read him. Nope, not much. Because he doesn’t write about shit I want to read. But that doesn’t make him any less epic. But the point of bringing him up is because this guy fuckin’ LIVED! man. He went and saw the world (well, Europe but fuck it, during that era Europe was pretty much it.) And some islands and shit. And he didn’t do it as some tourist or traveling traveler. No he did it by just gettin’ on a boat and heading over there. (Or plane, or jet ski, or a fucking dolphin. I don’t know how he got there. I wasn’t there. I just know he went.) He was all like “I’ma go to Europe” And Europe was all like “Okay.” And then he was like “‘Sup Europe, mind if I stay a bit.” And Europe was all like “Sure dog.” (Citation needed) And then he stayed there and in Cuba and some other Caribbean islands. And they were all like “Fuck yeah, Hemingway is gonna live on us a while and be all inspired and shit and write stories that people and critics and hipsters will totally dig? Why hasn’t this happened sooner? Welcome aboard your Hemingwayness!” (Again, I’m just paraphrasing.) The End!

WILLIAM S. BURROUGHS: Tangiers, Mexico, South America, Paris, London
This one is more important to me because I read Naked Lunch and some of his poetry and his shit is EPIC! A lot of writers are “inspiration” to me but his shit (With some of the other beat writers.) were life altering. I wanted to write after reading these guys. Yes, I was high at that time. And yes, Naked Lunch is like FUCKING WEIRD. But it was like an epiphany. “Anybody can write if they have something to say. Don’t be afraid to write Tony, just…..do it.” is what I heard. Again, yes I was high but I still heard what I heard. Shut up man! you don’t know, you weren’t there! Wait, what? What was I talking ab…oh, yeah. Back to my point. This guy traveled too. Not like “Let’s book a flight and hang out in Paris for a week.” No. Burroughs was all like “Hey, Europe. ‘Sup?” And Europe was all “Nothing. ‘Sup wit you?” And Burroughs was all like “Mind if I chill a bit?” And Europe was all like “Sure. Whatevs man.” (Sub Mexico and South America and it was basically the same talks.) And then he wrote some of the trippiest, literature altering, reality altered shit. And the literary world was all like “Whaaaaaat?!?!?!?!?! This guy is pretty wicked awesome!” The End.

Notice the pattern. Yeah, exactly! It was a lot easier to just up and go to some country back then. Adventurers wanted! Early twentieth century writers responded “Challenge Accepted” and the world was all like “Hell yeah bitches come on in!”

Fast forward a thousand years and you have a young (-ish. Fuck off, I’m young at heart.) man who decides to stop pussy footing around and write. Hmmmm, he thinks to himself, how do I get started? I know. I’ll find a voice in blogging! So he started blogging. Random life shit. Love, life, music, fart jokes…..you know! High brow shit. And people read it! Friends. Family. And some strangers on the interwebs.

One day he post something that catches a young ladies eye (Roll with it gorgeous. I’m telling the story and it won’t work to argue with me after I’ve had a few beers.) and a dialog gets going. Now before this we need to go back again.

I’ve always wanted to get my shit stranded in a foreign country. Somewhere in Europe or an island somewhere. Some place that either didn’t speak me language or had a lot of adventure having wilderness. Not get-lost-and-die wilderness (ala that tool Chris McCandless where I ditch all survival tools and figure I’ll wing it in a place that might as well be called FuckYouAndPrepareToDiesville aka Alaska). But it’s like you can’t enter a country now unless you have some kind of job set they’re looking for. And aspiring-writer-looking-for-adventure is NEVER on that list….pricks. I mean, it would kind of work for the getting home part. After having adventure, just turn yourself over to immigrations and BAM! deportation. Yeah, there is the few days (or weeks or months or years) in their You-don’t-belong-here jail. But notice, one way tickets are cheap. So……considering the price totally worth it. But no more “Hey, foreign country. ‘Sup!?” Because they’re all like “Denied!”

I only mention the girl because I enjoy talking to her and wouldn’t that be an awesome way to start a good story.

“I met this lady one night in a cigarette smoke clouded bar…..”

…on Growing Up, Not Growing Old

Stop microwave at 0:01……bomb defused!

When I walk up to automatic doors, I wave my hands before they open. Because I’m a sorcerer!

I sneak up on someone and say their name. Scared them? If yes, then I’m a NINJA!

Hiding in the clothes rack at a department store whispering “Pick me!” when someone is shopping. I’m the Phantom of the Kohl’s!

Drop cookie and successfully juggling, then catching said cookie. Raise hand in victory because there is no sweeter awesome than the accidental awesome!

Saying “Hey, did you see the new upsexy?” and having the person ask “What’s upsexy?” setting me up for the funniest lame ass response ever (“Not much gorgeous, what’s up with you?!”). I am a master comic!

Having a fragile item fall off a shelf and catching it before it hits the ground AND making it look effortless. I’m an ASSASSIN!

That’s what I feel like. Like I just got one over on the world. Do a little victory dance and celebrate the win.

You see, I have trouble hearing people judge me over the sound of my own AWESOMENESS! To all my friends past, present and future, thank you. It’s your little chuckles and giggles as I celebrate my awesomeness (and yours when you pull similar stunts) that make us who we are. The League Of Extraordinary Awesomers Of Epic Winitude! The LOEAOEW! (I’m admittedly still working on what we should call our superhero group!)

And to the people who worry about what strangers think. Fuck ’em! The greatest bit of wisdom I’ve ever received from an old person was “I stay this energetic because I keep this thought with me ‘Grow up, but never grow old.'”

Rock on old dude! Rock on!

Because growing old means all this shit!

And who wants that? So here’s to growing up but never growing old! If you stop having fun then you end up as….well, boring. Because one day we will get the girl who is this one.

Which means you’ll get sex!

Yeah! Enjoy this random ass post! Here’s to laughter and smiling and shit! And if you don’t? Well, throw it on the ground!

😛

…on Dating: Redux (AKA The Singles Site Mambo)

Are you effing kidding me?

A couple days back I got a response from a lady I had messaged MONTHS ago. She addressed all the matters I brought up in the message and then proceeded to mention how funny I am (Duh! I’m a riot people!). Then closed the response with “…but it seems like your just looking for a friend…”

What. The. Fu-hey, are your kids reading this?

Let me go ahead and knock this one in the dirt. I’m going to paint this as clearly as I can so as to not leave any confusion. I’ll also use some font trickery to bold and italicize these words so they appear to be spoken with emphasis. Then I will cap it so as to appear speaking loudly. And then I will blockquote so that if the rest of this is breezed through, the point will stick out. Here we go.

I AM ON A SINGLES SITE FOR A REASON LADIES!

Am I desperately trying to hook-up with any woman willing to take her pants off in front of me on the first “date”? No. Well, I’m not gonna turn her down…*wink-wink*. Am I right guys?

Maybe this isn’t the right time to be making frat jokes?

My point is, it’s been my experience that if I tap it that easily….shit’s not gonna last. I want to be in a relationship. I’m seriously tired of just tomcatting. It’s time to find something genuine and real and worth…..worth…..well, just worth having dammit. Something long term.

I can be an ass sometimes. I can be blunt. I’m freaking so awesome that I have trouble hearing the less awesome people. I am also opinionated and not afraid to share that. I’m a bit dumb. And yeah, sometimes I am a bit caveman-ish. But I am also a very sensitive and caring and willing mate. I am a good man who will always let his woman know that she is the shit and she is friggin’ awesomer (Yeah, it’s a word. Just got it cleared today. I know people who make words legit and shit. It’s how I roll.). But how am I supposed to know if this person is my soul mate if I don’t even know what cereal she eats in the morning? Well, I could find out when she rolls over and tells me the next day! Am I right guys?

Yeah, not sure if my timing is appropriate.

So I look to get to know you first to see if you are indeed the lock to my key…double entendre anyone? I mean, isn’t it worth your time-as a self respecting woman-to find out if I’m the right kind of male asshole to your kind of crazy bitch?

Let’s take our time. It’s infinite, so it’s not like it’s gonna run out. You don’t need to find “him” immediately no more than I need to find “her” today. Take your time, get to know more about me than what I put in the sales pitch. A line I used when selling cars kinda fits here. “Let’s take a test drive first because it doesn’t matter if the car is one dollar or a thousand. If you don’t like it, you’re not gonna buy it.”

Hope that clears some things up. Now on to some less pressing but equally bothersome items in the singles site mambo.

• COMPATIBILITY: It offers a percentage. Which it uses to find “matches”. But some of them don’t make sense. I go to the profile and check the person out because it says we are “90% compatible, 75% friends, 5% enemies”. My brain says ” Sweet! So we’ll see eye to eye on most matters and the enemies bit means that our differences are so minute that they’ll be non-issues.”
  But then I’ll read the summary and find myself saying “There is no way. We are on two different levels.”
  On the flipside of that is I’ll read the profile and think the percentages are correct and message them and NEVER GET A RESPONSE BACK. I’m beginning to think some people don’t put as much thought into compatibility…
• LIVE SHOWS: Yeah, I get it. Concerts rock. They do. I totally agree. But is that really the sole purpose of you getting onto a singles site is to find a person to go to concerts with? I love live shows. I will watch shitty hipster indie hippy jam bands if it means I’m at a live show. (Yeah, Widespread Panic sounds like an awesome metal band as far as band names go but….well, I was a bit let down.) I’ve even sat through a guy singing cookie cutter nu-country songs involving the same, tired country music tropes and had a good time (This would make more sense if you understand how much I hate everything that country music has become.) because it was a live show.
• FAVORITE MOVIES/MUSIC/TV SHOWS/FOOD, ETC.: Okay. This one is funny. So she likes slapstick, no-brainer, pure stupidity comedies that I love……WELL, HOLY SHIT WE ARE DESTINED FOR EACH OTHER!
  It’s a silly notion. It does offer some insight into a person but it’s not really the definer of a person. I introduce myself as ‘Tony’. Not as ‘Tony, a lover of sushi and comedies and zombie movies and prog rock and heavy metal and Top Gear and Dr. Who (OMG! I just outed myself as a nerd!) and bbq and edamame and fried chicken…etc.’ until I pass out from failure to breathe between each item. Nope, just ‘Tony’. And really, if you’re into something I’m not into….well, that’s cool. If you were exactly like me that would be considered masturbation, wouldn’t it? And again, that’s one of the things I’m looking to not have to do so much by being on a singles site

Well, I guess I’ve ranted on long enough. Just know that I’m looking for someone to compliment me, not complete me. I already have everything I need, I’m on the market for what I want. And let’s have some fun ladies while we get to know each other. I may not have the greatest smile ever but your laughter is definitely making my day.

…on Taking Forever To Post

So many thoughts roaming through my head. All of them building steam as the holidays went on. Geez Louise. What a hectic week it’s been. Money stress, neglecting this project, worrying about when and where my next bit of ass might happen, wondering if I should have added that last thought, dealing with a feverish feeling without having an actual damn fever.

It seems in my absence I gained a new follower who has even nominated me for a blogging award! Sweet! I will have to post about that one later…once I’ve figured out how to copy the image and sort out who I will nominate.

So here is the post making excuses for procrastinating and a promise that once my mind settles, I will post something relevant. It seems my mind has drifted off and I’m a bit tired. So goodnight and I will be back to my regular schedule (Once a day, Sundays off) soon.

 

…on Watching The Science Channel

Sometimes I have to watch this channel with a helmet on. Because it keeps blowing my mind.

On the upside, I have a great idea for a good short story. Wondering if I should post it here when I’m done?

…on The State Of The Union

“So this has proven to be one of the most anticipated State Of The Union addresses in quite some time. For those of you living under a rock…..or squarely planted in Michelle Bachman’s buttocks, here’s The Daily Shows Chief Obvious Stater to explain why. Wyatt.”

“Thank you Jon. It’s because he has BALLS!”

*****

“So what are some of the things you think he will address in his first State Of The Union, Tom?”

“Katie, it can only be speculated. He has been so unpredictable ever since the primaries and his surprise election. And then there is the fact that he has done some very unprecedented things during his transition into office – naming his former presidential opponent to Secretary of State as well as enlisting some of his biggest opponents during his senate years to key cabinet positions – what some have started calling a ‘Team Of Rivals’ administration – to his ‘bordering on loose cannon’ speeches during the campaign. There are a lot of things on everyone’s mind but the exact details of the speech are anyone’s guess. We do know for certain that if we see his signature wink-the wink he gave his campaign manager after winning the primaries that we have discovered he means to, as he explains it, ‘address the people directly-we’re in for one heck of a show.”

“Alright Tom. Well, the Speaker and Majority Leader have taken there seats as well as the Vice President. Things are under way.”

*****

“Ladies and gentleman….The President Of The United States Of America”

*****

“Thank you. A quick aside, every time I hear that song I think of the movie ‘My Fellow Americans’ where Jack Lemmon asks James Garner if he ever makes up words to ‘All Hail The Chief’. Love the words he makes up. ‘All hail the chief because he’s the chief and he needs hailing’. Good movie.

I wanted to start on a light note because-

*wink*

-The State Of The Union is…

In trouble. We have let fear and buzzwords fill our reality. After winning the primaries I said to myself that I was a very fortunate American to have gotten this close to the golden ring…the Presidency. And that I was no longer going to be speaking from a prompter but from my gut. My campaign manager used to joke with the others in my campaign about every time I gave a speech or did a town hall meeting ‘We’re about to see what a political suicide looks like. Brace yourselves’. Well, now as Chief of Staff I guess the joke will be ‘Let’s see how many points he can lose this time.’

Divided. That’s what we’ve become. Divided and petty. One party has a lack of ideas while the other side’s apparent concern is to refine their zealotry. And the people that suffer the most are…The People. The people who look to us for guidance in this ever-changing, rapidly-evolving world. Where old ideas and notions are falling out of practice – not because we don’t care for them anymore. They have fallen away because they have proven to be a hindrance to us. Science, religion, socionomic and economic ideas that have proven to hamper our evolution as both; a nation that heralds new ideologies and; a people that always pushes to new frontiers. Where have we gone wrong?

Petty squabbles over supposed differences. It’s become a poison to our progressive nature. The two party system has finally shown it’s negative nature. We don’t see it as ‘Good game, sir. We will meet again in four years so until then let’s do what needs to be done.’ No! We’ve adapted the mentality of sore winners and sorer losers. We’re not a nation of ‘winners and losers’. That policy has got to cease. We have been assigned to lead what was – what still IS – the greatest nation on Earth. No longer should we be a world power because we have the most guns. NO! We ARE a world power because we are a nation that has always fostered great ideas.But these ideas will not grow in a poisoned environ. They will cease being great ideas because we only introduce them as GAMBITS! As cards held up our sleeves to hinder the others great ideas.

Idealism. We built a nation on that. We resisted a tyranny. A resistance that was sparked by an IDEA. An idea that called for both great compromise and great sacrifice. But we are no longer willing to sacrifice. We now look out for the ones that line our pockets. Gold and silver may make you happy now, but for what good is that happiness if you can not know it with a CLEAR CONSCIENCE.

Democracy. A government OF the people. Not a plutocracy! Not a theocracy! A DEMOCRACY!

So here we stand. Those the people look upon – not for hand-holding – but for guidance. A beacon of light to shine as we move into the future. Will I be the most popular. No! But I will do everything within my power given to me by THE PEOPLE to make sure that this generation, and this UNITED States of America will be at the forefront of greatness. I look forward to everyone here – as well as the people of this nation – to join me.”

…on Cooking Chili While Pondering The Universe

It’s 2:30 pm and I’m about to throw the hamburger meat into the pot with some diced onions while I ponder the universe. More specifically Christmas. What do I want for X-mas? How come it’s gotten so stressful? How is it the job market is so demanding when people still need to eat? So let’s address these individually.

1> What I want.
a>Books. Lord Almighty I read constantly. My niece has apparently gotten me two of something and I hope they’re awesome. But considering who it is, they will be.
b> I would also like a copy of Santa’s naughty list. Specifically the naughty gals, am I right fellas?
c>I want a new TV. I like my TV but it’s an old school model that seems to take up a lot of room. What I wouldn’t give for a flat panel.
d>My Xbox 360 back. I’m not a huge video game player but dang it was great at killing some time.

2>Stress.
Well, it’s gotten stressful because I’m no longer the guy who just receives all the time. That was the shit then. No worries. Would still try to get stuff for the parents (with their money of course). But as soon as I joined the work force and learned how fast I am with money, well the holidays have gotten tougher.

3>The job market.
I’m a good cook. Not a papered chef, but a good cook none the less. The issue with this is how demanding the market has become. It’s gotten crazy. And I understand being choosy but sometimes you just wish these guys would take a chance with you.

Sorry my ponderings weren’t deeper. I’m building up for a big one that my friend has been looking forward to. And it’s coming. Might be up tonight. In the mean time I’ll give you a preview……..this one is for Janie……politics.