Archive for the Feels Category

…on That Feeling

Posted in Chick Friends, Deep Ponderings, Feels, Ouch!, Romance on May 17, 2013 by journeymantojo

This is not the post I wanted to be posting. But a little hurt is always the most inspirational.

Unfortunately.

Now I’m not partial to tarot readings, but it meant a lot to her…so I gave in and decided “What the hell? It’s been a while since I dabbled in the ‘mystical’.”

Regretting that decision immensely. I mean, where’s the ‘hope’ when the reading tells you what you know already?

But I’m getting ahead of myself. And to be honest, it’s not really the point.

The point is, no matter how hard you try…regardless of what you hope to accomplish…love is gonna let you down.

I have five sisters. I am the only boy, smack dab in the middle. Which makes it fairly easy for women to talk to me. Which makes it real easy to be friends with them. The downside to this is…well, it should be obvious. In the instances where I’m actually attracted to a woman, she has already friendzoned me.

Now, I like to think that I can get out of this. If I make my intentions clear, right? Wrong again.

So let’s head back to the reading again. Let’s discuss some things that went down. Now this woman doing the reading knew, beyond any doubt that I am very much attracted to her. Take into consideration how utterly devoid of subtlety I am and you will agree..”Dude, you really like her!”

But I was a sucker to an extent. I knew what she wanted from me and I gave it freely. Affection. And attention. I gave it freely because I figured – as unrealistic as it was to figure – that knowing how I felt…knowing how much I cared, she would look at me and it would dawn on her “Hey, this guy is pretty cool. I think i should date him to see how it works out.”

(I can hear a certain friend building up to roaring laughter as she reads this…)

Then the hammer dropped. She suddenly started to grow attached. I could see it in her eyes. We would look at each other and just sit in silence…staring at one another with a certain affection. A beautiful melange of peace and lust and desire and calm and stability in a world of chaos. I. Am. A. Fool.

As she grew more and more to me, she decided to do the hardest thing to do. She decided to leave the one she was with. And I felt a certain joy as I was reinvigorated with a new energy. I was going to get my chance. I was going to have the door opened and I was going to walk through and there she is…the woman who I’ve known for four years now. All the missed moments; all the times we had seen the other with someone else; all the hurt and jealousy and lucidity. It was here at last, the time we had waited for. We knew the other was wanting this. But…

Always “but”…

But…her split hit her harder than anticipated.

She asked for time. to heal and to take some ‘her’ time. And, I respected her wishes. Always talking when we could.

It was during this time that she began singing the praises that one sings for a loved one. All praises for me. “I’m a great guy.” “I’m a keeper.” All that “Anyone-would-be-a-fool-to-let-you-get-away” song and dance.

And as if some dog, abused and confused by some master that pets with one hand while waving a newspaper in the other, I waited.

She split up with him roughly two weeks ago.

She is dating someone now. She’s worried that it will affect her friendship with a female friend of hers. Seems her friend was interested in this boy. She is afraid that it will cost her this female friend. And she comes to me for help. To me?! And this is the first I hear of this new boyfriend. She’s telling me – no, not telling me – asking me for advice. The man in the wings. The one on hold. She’s asking me what should she do.

I can’t take it anymore. I told her to go somewhere else for help. I’m done. It hurts to do that to a friend but it’s what has to be done.

I will get up and dust myself off. I will look elsewhere. I will still believe that something is for me. And I will continue doing it my way. I will be a friend. And I will take the time to get to know someone. And respect them. Good guys finish last, but we still finish.

But here’s the kick. At the reading, she pointed out that part of what my trouble is that I have trouble opening up and letting people in. I explained that opening up leads to getting hurt. That everytime I let someone in, they burn the place to the ground. She sits there and stays the course. “Tony, you can’t keep the wall up forever. You have to let people in. You HAVE to open up.” So I decide to open up – after four long years – I decide to let her in. And she burns the place to the ground.

Sometimes love…well, love will let you down.