Archive for the Texas Ranger Category

…on Today’s Episode Of Walker, Texas Ranger

Posted in Brain Droppings, Bullies, Deep Ponderings, Humor, Texas Ranger, These damn young 'uns with tags , , , , , on January 10, 2012 by journeymantojo

First order of business….yeah, I watch Walker. This show is just epic in it’s……epicness. And of course if I don’t watch it, Chuck Norris will come over and slam my head into the keyujbvfowjviojefbvonveo[bnveriobv

“Dammit Chuck, I wasn’t making fun of you dude!”

Okay, now that he’s gone I can proceed.

Today’s riveting episode deals with bullies. And it features Deion Sanders. So the star power is just all over the place. It does also feature the one credible actor on topics like bullying and gangs, DANNY MOTHER FUCKIN’ TREJO!

It opens with a boy being bullied and the kid ends up jumping off the roof. As a side thought, all the episodes I’ve seen, Walker’s writers are all about killing some kids. Hell, one episode they had a family (with a wee baby) in a minivan that was plowed into by a semi. And they didn’t leave it with just being crushed. Nope, the writers had to emphasize the accident by having the van BLOW THE FUCK UP!

Anyway, so the boy kills himself and Walker decides to implement a program where he will teach the “bullied” how to fight back…..with FUCKIN’ KARATE! HELL YEAH! NINJAS! Which works in the show because all the “bullies” are dumb.

You see, being a former bullied kid, I know that bullies aren’t as dumb as Hollywood (And Hollywood’s made for TV sister, Vancouver.) likes to portray them. That, and they really enjoy the concept of revenge. I think they kind of wrote the book. Revenge by Some Bullies. I will cite two examples.

One year I was suspended. Because I was bullied. And to fight back I hit the kid in the face. With a book. (Algebra. And I thought it would never have a use.) The bully was vanquished. That would have been an epic ending! But the bully had friends (Hollywood got that right.) But they weren’t the snickering Robert Downey Jr.’s Ian to Robert Rusler’s Max. No, they were his fucking teammates. And they didn’t like the whole “You hit my buddy in the face with a book” thing. Nope, so when I got back from my suspension, I now had to deal with a fucking busload of bullies. Avenging their fucking sensei like it was some bad chop socky film. “You killed our master. We must Kung-Fu!” They did stop bullying me eventually. But it was more out of boredom.Yeah, it was a pretty shitty few months. And yeah, it’s safe to LOL that. I laugh at it now.

When you start a new school, you always think it’s a chance to reinvent yourself. My family moved a lot. So at a new school, in a new town, I thought I’m safe here. Well, Mark Zuckerberg must have designed the Facebook around the Bully Network. Seriously, these guys know. Like a Spidey sense. (That sentence should give a small clue as to why I was bullied. The love of Kung-Fu movies, and any further nerd references will fill out the rest of the “Why were you bullied Tony?” mystery.) “Wait, Bully sense tingling! NERD! Must punch in face!” <To be read in your best Ogre impression>

So armed with Thrash Metal (The theme music of bullied peoples revenge fantasies.) and some new threads, I entered the new school. And the bullies knew. Let the derision begin! So I was bullied further. At home I would crank the metal and do push-ups and sit-ups and ran (Man, maybe I need to be bullied again. Really kept me motivated to keep in shape.) and just try to build myself into a fight-back machine. Would watch my Kung-Fu movies, mimicking the moves. Tailored myself into a fighting machine. Even tried my hand at wrestling and learned some submission moves and some shoot fighting techniques. Well, at the first fight….victory was mine! The bullies backed down because I fought one and won. But that was one of the ‘greenbelts’ apparently. Because the next bully knew KARATE! Yeah, painted the hallways with a bucket of my blood using beat ass as his brush. Sucked. His Kung-Fu was definitely stronger than mine. On the upside, I had no sensei so I didn’t really disgrace my master or his style. Small victories like that helped me carry on. And yeah, it’s safe to LOL this one too. Because it was a funny story.

So in the real world, bullies are little trickier to fight. We do have weapons against them. Remember, you can talk to your parents. Before they were “adults-who-don’t-understand” they were teens dealing with the same shit. And your friends. I mean, even if your friends can’t fight, they are great at helping tote some of that ass whoopin’ and it helps that the more of you there are, the quicker the bullies will tire out. So there’s that. Also talk to your teachers. It’s all about survival. So your enemies won’t think your cool but you will LIVE and living is pretty damn kick ass compared to the whole having a rat reputation. Trust me. I got over selling those bullies out. Which is easier than it would have been getting over them messing up this beautiful face any further. You also have your wit. Sometimes that bully is hitting you because of dad issues or because God only gave him three inches instead of the average five to six. And you should know your history (Come on, your nerds! Be proud of your book learnin’!) so pull some Byzantine shit on them. Divide and conquer. Worked a few times for me. Matt was a really great friend, but an even bigger asset. Quarterbacks have mind control on bullies man.

So what did I learn from today’s Walker? Chuck Norris is the shit, Danny Trejo will stop a herd of rampaging Latinos with just his rep, and above all else, don’t jump off that roof. Stay strong, and try to have fun! It’s only high school. Which is only four years. Someone will have sex with you, someone will look up to you, and everyone will need you to stop that meteor from crushing life as we know it. And we can’t do it without physicist. You know, that guy who is getting picked on because he wears different clothes and understands math more than he understands football…..the kid in the mirror.