…on “Born In The Wrong Damn Era”

“Ever get that feeling like you’re about to do something epic and life altering? Well, not life ALTERING per se. But epic none the less.”

That’s what I posted as an update a few days back. It’s how I’ve been feeling lately. Even before I got a phone call.

“Why do you blog?” That was the question posed to me by a friend today.

But before I get into all that, let’s do a back story. History class style. Or at least with the appearance of it being a history class.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: Paris, Italy, Spain, Cuba, various other parts of the Caribbean.
The man can be best described as The Writer of the twentieth century. Have I read him. Nope, not much. Because he doesn’t write about shit I want to read. But that doesn’t make him any less epic. But the point of bringing him up is because this guy fuckin’ LIVED! man. He went and saw the world (well, Europe but fuck it, during that era Europe was pretty much it.) And some islands and shit. And he didn’t do it as some tourist or traveling traveler. No he did it by just gettin’ on a boat and heading over there. (Or plane, or jet ski, or a fucking dolphin. I don’t know how he got there. I wasn’t there. I just know he went.) He was all like “I’ma go to Europe” And Europe was all like “Okay.” And then he was like “‘Sup Europe, mind if I stay a bit.” And Europe was all like “Sure dog.” (Citation needed) And then he stayed there and in Cuba and some other Caribbean islands. And they were all like “Fuck yeah, Hemingway is gonna live on us a while and be all inspired and shit and write stories that people and critics and hipsters will totally dig? Why hasn’t this happened sooner? Welcome aboard your Hemingwayness!” (Again, I’m just paraphrasing.) The End!

WILLIAM S. BURROUGHS: Tangiers, Mexico, South America, Paris, London
This one is more important to me because I read Naked Lunch and some of his poetry and his shit is EPIC! A lot of writers are “inspiration” to me but his shit (With some of the other beat writers.) were life altering. I wanted to write after reading these guys. Yes, I was high at that time. And yes, Naked Lunch is like FUCKING WEIRD. But it was like an epiphany. “Anybody can write if they have something to say. Don’t be afraid to write Tony, just…..do it.” is what I heard. Again, yes I was high but I still heard what I heard. Shut up man! you don’t know, you weren’t there! Wait, what? What was I talking ab…oh, yeah. Back to my point. This guy traveled too. Not like “Let’s book a flight and hang out in Paris for a week.” No. Burroughs was all like “Hey, Europe. ‘Sup?” And Europe was all “Nothing. ‘Sup wit you?” And Burroughs was all like “Mind if I chill a bit?” And Europe was all like “Sure. Whatevs man.” (Sub Mexico and South America and it was basically the same talks.) And then he wrote some of the trippiest, literature altering, reality altered shit. And the literary world was all like “Whaaaaaat?!?!?!?!?! This guy is pretty wicked awesome!” The End.

Notice the pattern. Yeah, exactly! It was a lot easier to just up and go to some country back then. Adventurers wanted! Early twentieth century writers responded “Challenge Accepted” and the world was all like “Hell yeah bitches come on in!”

Fast forward a thousand years and you have a young (-ish. Fuck off, I’m young at heart.) man who decides to stop pussy footing around and write. Hmmmm, he thinks to himself, how do I get started? I know. I’ll find a voice in blogging! So he started blogging. Random life shit. Love, life, music, fart jokes…..you know! High brow shit. And people read it! Friends. Family. And some strangers on the interwebs.

One day he post something that catches a young ladies eye (Roll with it gorgeous. I’m telling the story and it won’t work to argue with me after I’ve had a few beers.) and a dialog gets going. Now before this we need to go back again.

I’ve always wanted to get my shit stranded in a foreign country. Somewhere in Europe or an island somewhere. Some place that either didn’t speak me language or had a lot of adventure having wilderness. Not get-lost-and-die wilderness (ala that tool Chris McCandless where I ditch all survival tools and figure I’ll wing it in a place that might as well be called FuckYouAndPrepareToDiesville aka Alaska). But it’s like you can’t enter a country now unless you have some kind of job set they’re looking for. And aspiring-writer-looking-for-adventure is NEVER on that list….pricks. I mean, it would kind of work for the getting home part. After having adventure, just turn yourself over to immigrations and BAM! deportation. Yeah, there is the few days (or weeks or months or years) in their You-don’t-belong-here jail. But notice, one way tickets are cheap. So……considering the price totally worth it. But no more “Hey, foreign country. ‘Sup!?” Because they’re all like “Denied!”

I only mention the girl because I enjoy talking to her and wouldn’t that be an awesome way to start a good story.

“I met this lady one night in a cigarette smoke clouded bar…..”

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…on Watching The Science Channel

Sometimes I have to watch this channel with a helmet on. Because it keeps blowing my mind.

On the upside, I have a great idea for a good short story. Wondering if I should post it here when I’m done?

…on The State Of The Union

“So this has proven to be one of the most anticipated State Of The Union addresses in quite some time. For those of you living under a rock…..or squarely planted in Michelle Bachman’s buttocks, here’s The Daily Shows Chief Obvious Stater to explain why. Wyatt.”

“Thank you Jon. It’s because he has BALLS!”

*****

“So what are some of the things you think he will address in his first State Of The Union, Tom?”

“Katie, it can only be speculated. He has been so unpredictable ever since the primaries and his surprise election. And then there is the fact that he has done some very unprecedented things during his transition into office – naming his former presidential opponent to Secretary of State as well as enlisting some of his biggest opponents during his senate years to key cabinet positions – what some have started calling a ‘Team Of Rivals’ administration – to his ‘bordering on loose cannon’ speeches during the campaign. There are a lot of things on everyone’s mind but the exact details of the speech are anyone’s guess. We do know for certain that if we see his signature wink-the wink he gave his campaign manager after winning the primaries that we have discovered he means to, as he explains it, ‘address the people directly-we’re in for one heck of a show.”

“Alright Tom. Well, the Speaker and Majority Leader have taken there seats as well as the Vice President. Things are under way.”

*****

“Ladies and gentleman….The President Of The United States Of America”

*****

“Thank you. A quick aside, every time I hear that song I think of the movie ‘My Fellow Americans’ where Jack Lemmon asks James Garner if he ever makes up words to ‘All Hail The Chief’. Love the words he makes up. ‘All hail the chief because he’s the chief and he needs hailing’. Good movie.

I wanted to start on a light note because-

*wink*

-The State Of The Union is…

In trouble. We have let fear and buzzwords fill our reality. After winning the primaries I said to myself that I was a very fortunate American to have gotten this close to the golden ring…the Presidency. And that I was no longer going to be speaking from a prompter but from my gut. My campaign manager used to joke with the others in my campaign about every time I gave a speech or did a town hall meeting ‘We’re about to see what a political suicide looks like. Brace yourselves’. Well, now as Chief of Staff I guess the joke will be ‘Let’s see how many points he can lose this time.’

Divided. That’s what we’ve become. Divided and petty. One party has a lack of ideas while the other side’s apparent concern is to refine their zealotry. And the people that suffer the most are…The People. The people who look to us for guidance in this ever-changing, rapidly-evolving world. Where old ideas and notions are falling out of practice – not because we don’t care for them anymore. They have fallen away because they have proven to be a hindrance to us. Science, religion, socionomic and economic ideas that have proven to hamper our evolution as both; a nation that heralds new ideologies and; a people that always pushes to new frontiers. Where have we gone wrong?

Petty squabbles over supposed differences. It’s become a poison to our progressive nature. The two party system has finally shown it’s negative nature. We don’t see it as ‘Good game, sir. We will meet again in four years so until then let’s do what needs to be done.’ No! We’ve adapted the mentality of sore winners and sorer losers. We’re not a nation of ‘winners and losers’. That policy has got to cease. We have been assigned to lead what was – what still IS – the greatest nation on Earth. No longer should we be a world power because we have the most guns. NO! We ARE a world power because we are a nation that has always fostered great ideas.But these ideas will not grow in a poisoned environ. They will cease being great ideas because we only introduce them as GAMBITS! As cards held up our sleeves to hinder the others great ideas.

Idealism. We built a nation on that. We resisted a tyranny. A resistance that was sparked by an IDEA. An idea that called for both great compromise and great sacrifice. But we are no longer willing to sacrifice. We now look out for the ones that line our pockets. Gold and silver may make you happy now, but for what good is that happiness if you can not know it with a CLEAR CONSCIENCE.

Democracy. A government OF the people. Not a plutocracy! Not a theocracy! A DEMOCRACY!

So here we stand. Those the people look upon – not for hand-holding – but for guidance. A beacon of light to shine as we move into the future. Will I be the most popular. No! But I will do everything within my power given to me by THE PEOPLE to make sure that this generation, and this UNITED States of America will be at the forefront of greatness. I look forward to everyone here – as well as the people of this nation – to join me.”