Archive for the Romance Category

…on That Feeling

Posted in Chick Friends, Deep Ponderings, Feels, Ouch!, Romance on May 17, 2013 by journeymantojo

This is not the post I wanted to be posting. But a little hurt is always the most inspirational.


Now I’m not partial to tarot readings, but it meant a lot to her…so I gave in and decided “What the hell? It’s been a while since I dabbled in the ‘mystical’.”

Regretting that decision immensely. I mean, where’s the ‘hope’ when the reading tells you what you know already?

But I’m getting ahead of myself. And to be honest, it’s not really the point.

The point is, no matter how hard you try…regardless of what you hope to accomplish…love is gonna let you down.

I have five sisters. I am the only boy, smack dab in the middle. Which makes it fairly easy for women to talk to me. Which makes it real easy to be friends with them. The downside to this is…well, it should be obvious. In the instances where I’m actually attracted to a woman, she has already friendzoned me.

Now, I like to think that I can get out of this. If I make my intentions clear, right? Wrong again.

So let’s head back to the reading again. Let’s discuss some things that went down. Now this woman doing the reading knew, beyond any doubt that I am very much attracted to her. Take into consideration how utterly devoid of subtlety I am and you will agree..”Dude, you really like her!”

But I was a sucker to an extent. I knew what she wanted from me and I gave it freely. Affection. And attention. I gave it freely because I figured – as unrealistic as it was to figure – that knowing how I felt…knowing how much I cared, she would look at me and it would dawn on her “Hey, this guy is pretty cool. I think i should date him to see how it works out.”

(I can hear a certain friend building up to roaring laughter as she reads this…)

Then the hammer dropped. She suddenly started to grow attached. I could see it in her eyes. We would look at each other and just sit in silence…staring at one another with a certain affection. A beautiful melange of peace and lust and desire and calm and stability in a world of chaos. I. Am. A. Fool.

As she grew more and more to me, she decided to do the hardest thing to do. She decided to leave the one she was with. And I felt a certain joy as I was reinvigorated with a new energy. I was going to get my chance. I was going to have the door opened and I was going to walk through and there she is…the woman who I’ve known for four years now. All the missed moments; all the times we had seen the other with someone else; all the hurt and jealousy and lucidity. It was here at last, the time we had waited for. We knew the other was wanting this. But…

Always “but”…

But…her split hit her harder than anticipated.

She asked for time. to heal and to take some ‘her’ time. And, I respected her wishes. Always talking when we could.

It was during this time that she began singing the praises that one sings for a loved one. All praises for me. “I’m a great guy.” “I’m a keeper.” All that “Anyone-would-be-a-fool-to-let-you-get-away” song and dance.

And as if some dog, abused and confused by some master that pets with one hand while waving a newspaper in the other, I waited.

She split up with him roughly two weeks ago.

She is dating someone now. She’s worried that it will affect her friendship with a female friend of hers. Seems her friend was interested in this boy. She is afraid that it will cost her this female friend. And she comes to me for help. To me?! And this is the first I hear of this new boyfriend. She’s telling me – no, not telling me – asking me for advice. The man in the wings. The one on hold. She’s asking me what should she do.

I can’t take it anymore. I told her to go somewhere else for help. I’m done. It hurts to do that to a friend but it’s what has to be done.

I will get up and dust myself off. I will look elsewhere. I will still believe that something is for me. And I will continue doing it my way. I will be a friend. And I will take the time to get to know someone. And respect them. Good guys finish last, but we still finish.

But here’s the kick. At the reading, she pointed out that part of what my trouble is that I have trouble opening up and letting people in. I explained that opening up leads to getting hurt. That everytime I let someone in, they burn the place to the ground. She sits there and stays the course. “Tony, you can’t keep the wall up forever. You have to let people in. You HAVE to open up.” So I decide to open up – after four long years – I decide to let her in. And she burns the place to the ground.

Sometimes love…well, love will let you down.


…on Being Gunshy

Posted in Brain Droppings, Dating, Humor, Romance with tags , , on January 14, 2013 by journeymantojo

I heard a great line a few days ago. Let’s see if I can recall it accurately.

“If you leave the house and run into an asshole, well, you have met an asshole. But if you leave the house and spend the day running into assholes, you’re the asshole.”

That makes me a bit gunshy. I’ve been chatting up this lady and have decided that I would enjoy asking her out for a drink. Get to know her. But….

(And you knew there was going to be a but. That’s why I’ve got the number one blog in the country….according to stats that I just made up.)

…I wonder, was it me that wrecked the few that I’ve had in the past couple of years.

I could go on some little discussion about how I’m happy being single and life is less complicated as a bachelor and my hand doesn’t argue and porn is a completely accepted art form and that hobo got what he deserved, but really people, this isn’t a court of law so stop asking about that guy. Neither is it some relationship counselor type forum where we all hug it out and cry about our loneliness (or executed hobos). Nope, it’s a blog where I get to do all the talking and none of the listening. So shut-up about whatever that transients name was and let’s discuss being gunshy.

I’m going to ask her out. I would be a fool not to. She’s very pretty and laughed off my awkwardly phrased comment (She even jokes about the “stalker” vibe, which anybody who knows me knows that I’m just too damned lazy to stalk or even give off a vibe.). But damn if the doubts don’t crop up on occasion. Those little feelings of where did I go wrong, was I the asshole, could I have done anything differently, am I emotionally mature, will they ever find the transients body. But like everyone else, I have to brush those doubts aside. Can’t be having that shit crop up while we talk about our hobbies and dreams and passions and midnight excursions into the city to find the next prey in my newfound love of the sport of human-hunting.

Holy shit!? Was there even a point to this whole rant?

Where was I going with this?

OH YEAH! I remember now. According to a mutual friend of ours, this girl I like already knew that I’m into her. And that got me to thinking.

If she knows that I like her, and has been waiting for me to ask, why didn’t she seize the moment and be all “I figure it’s because you’re a little shy and are therefore working up the nerve to ask me out so allow me to help. Here is my number, and yes, I would enjoy getting a drink with you.” Is it the game of “having” me ask and step-up part of the fun for her? The thrill of being pursued? Does she know that I’m a little gunshy? Or is she just as shy?

Or maybe she already knows about my hobby?

Ladies, any thoughts?

…on “Please Take Off My Van Halen Shirt Before You Jinx The Band And They Break Up”

Posted in Brain Droppings, Chick, Dating, Music, Romance, Sex with tags , , on January 31, 2012 by journeymantojo

Sitting here going through some YouTube videos listening to some old faves when the thought popped into my head “Man, even though there is still an emotional twinge I feel when I listen to the song, I’m glad she didn’t ruin this band for me.”

You see, I hate the concept of “This is our song!” I mean, I get the notion and it’s inevitable because music speaks to us on a primal level. It helps trigger the memory. So sometimes it can be an awesome mnemonic device for remembering the better memories. But the part I hate is when you go through the hairy ass break-up. It always means that when you listen to a song, the emotional connection reemerges.

Now in some cases it’s okay. She was a huge John Mayer fan. So when ever I hear Mr. Mayer, I think of her and my blood boils up a bit. It was a seriously hairy ass break-up. So the “hate” springs back up. So naturally I’m gonna hate the artist because he is inadvertently bringing up the memory. But I can say that I’ve never liked John. So….no loss. Don’t like John Mayer, so I don’t have a hard time changing the station. It actually gives me more reasons to not like his music haha! (Like you needed more reasons?!)

It does suck when you are into a band though. Now you have to either dwell on the good moments in a fit of emotional suffering because the connection is there with the song or change the station. Which you don’t want to do because you liked that song before you even met that bitch.

Yeah, those are the “This is our song!” moments. The ones that make you hate a band because every time you hear Use Somebody, you get down.

“She reached across the console and took my hand. Looks into my eyes and said ‘I feel like this because no one ever got me the way you do’. It’s our anthem.”

So when I hear it, I remember those words and have to change the station. Which sucks. It’s a great song. I’ve gotten over her and have moved on. And now I hear the song and hear a good song. But every now and again, the connection creeps back.

Thankfully she never ruined Jack Johnson. That would have sucked. Flake is an awesome tune to hear when you are trying to pull yourself out of that pit. Or The Bravery.

And I would have been livid if she had ruined Marvin Gaye. But then again, Let’s Get It On is a love making song… there’s no emotional attachment associated with that song for us guys haha!

Now I get to leave you with a song that just makes me smile.

You guys have fun. And if she says “This is our song!” Respond with “Oh hell no. I don’t want to have to go through the hell of hating good music if we break up. Let’s make a song I hate our song!” 😛

…on Let’s Make A Pact, You’re Gonna Say Exactly What You Mean

Posted in Chick, Dating, Happy News, Romance with tags , , , on January 9, 2012 by journeymantojo

God bless all my friends, especially the female ones. And yeah, even the straight shooting ones!

I’ve sorted out what it was that had upset me. Sometimes it just takes a while to get my head around it because emotions tend to cloud my favorite pal…Logic.

I was upset because I have been around this damn ride so many times in the past month or two that, unfortunately for her, it was the straw that broke the camels back. I’ve reached a point that what needs to be said is exactly what is in your head.

Now, it is a little easier for me to say that now because my mind decided to be MORE direct. As in I was already a pretty direct person (One ex told me that she felt like sometimes I forgot that I was talking to a woman because I was too blunt…..whoops.) but now I’ve become this weird amalgamation of Asperger’s and insanity. Saying whatever comes into my head. Fuck decorum. I would like to say this was some kind of New Year’s resolution gone wrong (“Hey, I resolve to just say what I’m feeling. Hey pretty lady, your hot and why am I still wearing pants?!”) but as anyone who follows my blog knows, I’m not into resolutions.

No, this one seems to have just happened. I was talking to a friend and my head told my mouth to say “Well, I don’t foresee us fucking anytime soon so I figured I’d let you know why I’m not feeling good.” And I’ll be damned if my mouth didn’t just up and say it. My mouth is such an easy pushover, always doing what my brain tells it to do. Pussy. And boy, the look she gave me. Priceless. It wasn’t the look of “Where is your manners good sir?!?” but more of a “Good God man, would you mind taking a minute to stop violated decorum and speak as civilized people do?!?” She didn’t seem too impressed. Understandably so. In my defense, I wasn’t really saying it to impress. “Wow, that was direct!” was her response. I let out a chuckle, “Yeah, I guess so. But hell, if we can’t say what we think, what’s the point of trying?” It took her a day, but we’re back to good. Going to have coffee soon. And it’s kind of liberated her as well in a sense. (I texted her a few days ago saying “One of these days, I’m going to buy you that coffee I promised you.” Her response? “Hopefully before I’m gray!” Brought a big smile to my face.)

So, I’m not mad at my brain for doing that to me. I’m glad. It’s been a bit liberating. I’m not a person that really holds back on his opinion, or what he feels, or what he thinks, or what ever pops into his head. Asshole always seems to cross people’s lips when describing me.

Because games aren’t my thing. Don’t think I’m very good at them so I don’t play them. This little incident Friday reminded me of one of my core principles. One that somehow got lost in the paperwork. So it’s back to good ole’ me and just speaking from the one thing I’ve always trusted most…..myself.

And in response to one comment that was left on my last post: Nope, I’ve never tried to juggle more than one woman at a time while dating. 1> I don’t like being the consolation prize so I never do that to another woman; there is no “Well, if she doesn’t work out then maybe the other one I have on the line will.” 2> If at any time I feel it isn’t working, she will be the first to know. I’d rather her hate me now than weeks down the road after leading her to think there is something going on.

…on The Great Debate

Posted in Chick, Dating, Romance with tags , , , on January 8, 2012 by journeymantojo

After calling several times and only getting a voicemail. And then trying to text to say “pick up the damn phone”, I finally decided to just say “Fuck it!” and sent an email explaining why it had hurt me, why I was pissed and why I felt she was a lie. I didn’t expect a reply (People don’t tend to respond well to being called two-faced.) but Lo! I got a response.

In it she explains how she was sorry for what she had done and that she doesn’t feel like having to explain what she did and yadda-yadda-yadda…..long story short, it seemed like she was trying to say that she wants to be friends still.

How in the hell am I supposed to be friends when I feel like you lied? Like I opened myself up to you to have you break that down. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” But you did. Pretty bad surprisingly (To me it’s surprising. But in my defense, I thought there was a lot of chemistry….wait, she said the same thing too!). We had started talking and it was going so well. Like we were both very excited to be hearing from the other. But I knew what with the holidays approaching, I needed to take it slooooow because when shit gets busy…well, it’s a bit tricky to be dating with everything going on. But then I started feeling the pressure. “When are we gonna have a coffee together?” Man, I can’t wait to meet you.”

I buckled. God, I shoulda stood my ground. But I guess what seemed logical to me doesn’t always appeal to others. So we decided to have coffee and she started to freak a little because she felt so pressured like it was a relationship (Uh, you were the one calling me, I was just shooting a text on occasion and leaving voicemails saying “Hey, you’re in my thoughts and I hope your day is going well.” No, you were the one who called me every night for two weeks before we met for coffee. So, who was being pressured? You can catch my little rant about “pressure” in dating here. It mentions our outing for coffee.) She drops the bomb “I’m just not ready for a relationship.” Okay, it’s a date woman….not a marriage proposal. This relaxed her a bit and we continued to talk for a few more hours. She was such a cool chick. We hugged and got in our cars and went home. We talked a few more times on the phone after that.

But as the holidays approached, I shot her a text (Tried to call a few times but got nothing.) saying that things were getting busy and that I wouldn’t be able to chat much but that I was still thinking of her and that I will try to shoot her a text to say hey on occasion. That was for two weeks. Two weeks after our date. I finally get a chance to call her and say I would love to meet again (She was shocked at that…guess that was my first clue). I call her a few more times. We chat for a short bit. Then I get a text asking what days off I had. Well, the next day I was off so she says “I will call you after I’m done.” Cool!

She calls and we talk for a bit and like a tool I compliment her and say I’ve missed talking to her (Which I honestly had missed talking to her.) and that’s where she drops the bomb on me. “Tony, I’ve been seeing someone and I know I said I wasn’t ready for a relationship, but it just sort of happened and….” “So, I’m out of the picture now? (Duh Tony)” “Well, we’ve been seeing each other for a few weeks now..” “A few weeks?! So shortly after our date you start seeing someone that you want to get serious with?”

I’ll spare you the drama but I was furious. Hurt like hell.

My point is…like a fucking idiot, I replied to her email response. Seems I always have to have the last word. I was cordial. Explaining why it sucked and how it didn’t make sense to say you weren’t ready only to find out that you are seeing someone serious like shortly after our meeting….the one where she said those very damn words. And the “it just happened” explanation doesn’t help. If you had meant what you said to me then it would not have “just happened”. I mean, am I just not getting this female’s logic?

…on New Days

Posted in Brain Droppings, Happy News, Romance with tags , , on January 7, 2012 by journeymantojo

I’m feeling so much better today. I want to thank all of you for the comments you made and the thoughts you sent my way.

“In a world filled with uncertainty and mixed metaphors, all one man needed…..was…..(BIG EXPLOSION)…..LOVE!” (To be read in your best action movie trailer voice-over voice)

Thanks again guys.

…on The Neverending Quest Of The Safety

Posted in Chick, Dating, Romance with tags , , on January 6, 2012 by journeymantojo

Wow! So that’s another one to knock my dick in the dirt. And today started off so good too.

So I’ve been chatting with this gal for a few weeks and we had a lot of chemistry. Note I said had.

Seems that she was one of the oh so many who just wasn’t “sure” if she wanted a relationship. So I figured “What the hey, I’ll give her some space, be all cool and shit and get to know her a little more because we have some chemistry and I could see hooking up with her. No pressure.”

Well, after the New Year’s I decided to up the game and let her know that I was thinking of her. See if I couldn’t get another date. right?

Well, I got a phone call today and was all being playful. She pauses for a brief second and tells me that although she said she wasn’t sure if she was ready, she has started seeing someone. Wow. Really?! Like that?

“But understand, I didn’t mean for it to happen and I don’t know where it’s going but we have been seeing each other for a few weeks. You and I had some really good chemistry but everything got all hectic and I guess the timing was just bad….I don’t know….I just decided to see this other guy.”

I’m trying not to be bitter but I’m really sick and tired of this bullshit. If you don’t like me or I fucking repulse you….just fucking tell me. Don’t give me some bullshit about “timing” or your “readiness” or any of that other shit.

I’m also a bit tired of nobody being ready for a relationship…correction; I’m tired of everybody being ready for a relationship with anybody but me.

Fuck this. I’m done. I’ve just fucking had it. Anybody wants me you can find me when I get back. I’m tired of this place breaking me down every day. “Having a good day? Well, we can’t have that bullshit.” Why? Why can’t I fucking get mine?