Archive for December, 2011

…on Labels

Posted in Brain Droppings, Dating with tags , , on December 31, 2011 by journeymantojo

Note: I missed one last night so I’m double posting today.

Interesting conversation always brings up funny stories.

I was dating this girl a few months back and we were talking about food. I made the comment about how I would love to visit places that are considered culinary meccas. Paris was one of them. To experience their cuisine. And her response was:

“You’re such a liberal.”

Uh…….what the hell?!?

Maybe you guys could help me figure this one out. What in the bloody hell does my interest in culinary bucket list have to do with politics? Wouldn’t a conservative or anarchist be just as inclined to want to try new foods from around the world?

…on New Year’s Eve

Posted in Brain Droppings, Deep Ponderings, Travel with tags , , , , on December 31, 2011 by journeymantojo

EUREKA!

I’ve got it. Somebody asked me if I had a New Year’s resolution a few days back (Actually nobody asked me that but this little post needed a starting point and this is what I had. Let me fuck this chicken, okay.) and I didn’t have an answer.

But I got one now. My New Year’s resolution is…….to come up with some resolutions next year.

Because I don’t buy it. If there was something that made me unhappy then I will change it….right when I realize I’m unhappy with it.

And there is the gist of this little post. I am happy. Not entirely. I mean, I am human and American and a dreamer and a romantic and a Libra and I ramble…..and from that last word I’m also an obvious stater. So there are things I wish I was doing (Starting on my epic novel of epicness and adventure, on a plane to an island, in a bed with a beautiful woman, saving the world from SPECTRE……seems I wish I were James Bond apparently.) But on the whole, I’m pretty content. The novel will happen. The beautiful woman will happen. The island may not but a beach somewhere will. As for SPECTRE…well, they’ll get away this time but there will be a day when I can finally vanquish them and free the world from their tyranny.

My point is….no regrets. Fall in love people. Get on the plane – unless it’s you being lead onto a plane at gun point in which case DON’T GET ON THE PLANE, FIGHT BACK! Or if you can’t afford the tickets at this time, but in that case I would like to addend that to “save your money for the tickets to get on said plane”. Wrestle that bear (Only apply this one if you happen to be at a carnival and bear wrestling is one of the events where they are allowing the audience to participate because the secret is the bear is tame and has been trained for show so it’s pretty safe.)

I intend to live a little more this year. I hope every body else does the same.

…on “Born In The Wrong Damn Era”

Posted in Brain Droppings, Deep Ponderings, Travel, What-if? with tags , , on December 30, 2011 by journeymantojo

“Ever get that feeling like you’re about to do something epic and life altering? Well, not life ALTERING per se. But epic none the less.”

That’s what I posted as an update a few days back. It’s how I’ve been feeling lately. Even before I got a phone call.

“Why do you blog?” That was the question posed to me by a friend today.

But before I get into all that, let’s do a back story. History class style. Or at least with the appearance of it being a history class.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: Paris, Italy, Spain, Cuba, various other parts of the Caribbean.
The man can be best described as The Writer of the twentieth century. Have I read him. Nope, not much. Because he doesn’t write about shit I want to read. But that doesn’t make him any less epic. But the point of bringing him up is because this guy fuckin’ LIVED! man. He went and saw the world (well, Europe but fuck it, during that era Europe was pretty much it.) And some islands and shit. And he didn’t do it as some tourist or traveling traveler. No he did it by just gettin’ on a boat and heading over there. (Or plane, or jet ski, or a fucking dolphin. I don’t know how he got there. I wasn’t there. I just know he went.) He was all like “I’ma go to Europe” And Europe was all like “Okay.” And then he was like “‘Sup Europe, mind if I stay a bit.” And Europe was all like “Sure dog.” (Citation needed) And then he stayed there and in Cuba and some other Caribbean islands. And they were all like “Fuck yeah, Hemingway is gonna live on us a while and be all inspired and shit and write stories that people and critics and hipsters will totally dig? Why hasn’t this happened sooner? Welcome aboard your Hemingwayness!” (Again, I’m just paraphrasing.) The End!

WILLIAM S. BURROUGHS: Tangiers, Mexico, South America, Paris, London
This one is more important to me because I read Naked Lunch and some of his poetry and his shit is EPIC! A lot of writers are “inspiration” to me but his shit (With some of the other beat writers.) were life altering. I wanted to write after reading these guys. Yes, I was high at that time. And yes, Naked Lunch is like FUCKING WEIRD. But it was like an epiphany. “Anybody can write if they have something to say. Don’t be afraid to write Tony, just…..do it.” is what I heard. Again, yes I was high but I still heard what I heard. Shut up man! you don’t know, you weren’t there! Wait, what? What was I talking ab…oh, yeah. Back to my point. This guy traveled too. Not like “Let’s book a flight and hang out in Paris for a week.” No. Burroughs was all like “Hey, Europe. ‘Sup?” And Europe was all “Nothing. ‘Sup wit you?” And Burroughs was all like “Mind if I chill a bit?” And Europe was all like “Sure. Whatevs man.” (Sub Mexico and South America and it was basically the same talks.) And then he wrote some of the trippiest, literature altering, reality altered shit. And the literary world was all like “Whaaaaaat?!?!?!?!?! This guy is pretty wicked awesome!” The End.

Notice the pattern. Yeah, exactly! It was a lot easier to just up and go to some country back then. Adventurers wanted! Early twentieth century writers responded “Challenge Accepted” and the world was all like “Hell yeah bitches come on in!”

Fast forward a thousand years and you have a young (-ish. Fuck off, I’m young at heart.) man who decides to stop pussy footing around and write. Hmmmm, he thinks to himself, how do I get started? I know. I’ll find a voice in blogging! So he started blogging. Random life shit. Love, life, music, fart jokes…..you know! High brow shit. And people read it! Friends. Family. And some strangers on the interwebs.

One day he post something that catches a young ladies eye (Roll with it gorgeous. I’m telling the story and it won’t work to argue with me after I’ve had a few beers.) and a dialog gets going. Now before this we need to go back again.

I’ve always wanted to get my shit stranded in a foreign country. Somewhere in Europe or an island somewhere. Some place that either didn’t speak me language or had a lot of adventure having wilderness. Not get-lost-and-die wilderness (ala that tool Chris McCandless where I ditch all survival tools and figure I’ll wing it in a place that might as well be called FuckYouAndPrepareToDiesville aka Alaska). But it’s like you can’t enter a country now unless you have some kind of job set they’re looking for. And aspiring-writer-looking-for-adventure is NEVER on that list….pricks. I mean, it would kind of work for the getting home part. After having adventure, just turn yourself over to immigrations and BAM! deportation. Yeah, there is the few days (or weeks or months or years) in their You-don’t-belong-here jail. But notice, one way tickets are cheap. So……considering the price totally worth it. But no more “Hey, foreign country. ‘Sup!?” Because they’re all like “Denied!”

I only mention the girl because I enjoy talking to her and wouldn’t that be an awesome way to start a good story.

“I met this lady one night in a cigarette smoke clouded bar…..”

…on Growing Up, Not Growing Old

Posted in Brain Droppings, Deep Ponderings, Happy News, Music with tags , , , on December 29, 2011 by journeymantojo

Stop microwave at 0:01……bomb defused!

When I walk up to automatic doors, I wave my hands before they open. Because I’m a sorcerer!

I sneak up on someone and say their name. Scared them? If yes, then I’m a NINJA!

Hiding in the clothes rack at a department store whispering “Pick me!” when someone is shopping. I’m the Phantom of the Kohl’s!

Drop cookie and successfully juggling, then catching said cookie. Raise hand in victory because there is no sweeter awesome than the accidental awesome!

Saying “Hey, did you see the new upsexy?” and having the person ask “What’s upsexy?” setting me up for the funniest lame ass response ever (“Not much gorgeous, what’s up with you?!”). I am a master comic!

Having a fragile item fall off a shelf and catching it before it hits the ground AND making it look effortless. I’m an ASSASSIN!

That’s what I feel like. Like I just got one over on the world. Do a little victory dance and celebrate the win.

You see, I have trouble hearing people judge me over the sound of my own AWESOMENESS! To all my friends past, present and future, thank you. It’s your little chuckles and giggles as I celebrate my awesomeness (and yours when you pull similar stunts) that make us who we are. The League Of Extraordinary Awesomers Of Epic Winitude! The LOEAOEW! (I’m admittedly still working on what we should call our superhero group!)

And to the people who worry about what strangers think. Fuck ’em! The greatest bit of wisdom I’ve ever received from an old person was “I stay this energetic because I keep this thought with me ‘Grow up, but never grow old.'”

Rock on old dude! Rock on!

Because growing old means all this shit!

And who wants that? So here’s to growing up but never growing old! If you stop having fun then you end up as….well, boring. Because one day we will get the girl who is this one.

Which means you’ll get sex!

Yeah! Enjoy this random ass post! Here’s to laughter and smiling and shit! And if you don’t? Well, throw it on the ground!

😛

…on Dating: Redux (AKA The Singles Site Mambo)

Posted in Brain Droppings, Dating, Romance with tags , , , on December 28, 2011 by journeymantojo

Are you effing kidding me?

A couple days back I got a response from a lady I had messaged MONTHS ago. She addressed all the matters I brought up in the message and then proceeded to mention how funny I am (Duh! I’m a riot people!). Then closed the response with “…but it seems like your just looking for a friend…”

What. The. Fu-hey, are your kids reading this?

Let me go ahead and knock this one in the dirt. I’m going to paint this as clearly as I can so as to not leave any confusion. I’ll also use some font trickery to bold and italicize these words so they appear to be spoken with emphasis. Then I will cap it so as to appear speaking loudly. And then I will blockquote so that if the rest of this is breezed through, the point will stick out. Here we go.

I AM ON A SINGLES SITE FOR A REASON LADIES!

Am I desperately trying to hook-up with any woman willing to take her pants off in front of me on the first “date”? No. Well, I’m not gonna turn her down…*wink-wink*. Am I right guys?

Maybe this isn’t the right time to be making frat jokes?

My point is, it’s been my experience that if I tap it that easily….shit’s not gonna last. I want to be in a relationship. I’m seriously tired of just tomcatting. It’s time to find something genuine and real and worth…..worth…..well, just worth having dammit. Something long term.

I can be an ass sometimes. I can be blunt. I’m freaking so awesome that I have trouble hearing the less awesome people. I am also opinionated and not afraid to share that. I’m a bit dumb. And yeah, sometimes I am a bit caveman-ish. But I am also a very sensitive and caring and willing mate. I am a good man who will always let his woman know that she is the shit and she is friggin’ awesomer (Yeah, it’s a word. Just got it cleared today. I know people who make words legit and shit. It’s how I roll.). But how am I supposed to know if this person is my soul mate if I don’t even know what cereal she eats in the morning? Well, I could find out when she rolls over and tells me the next day! Am I right guys?

Yeah, not sure if my timing is appropriate.

So I look to get to know you first to see if you are indeed the lock to my key…double entendre anyone? I mean, isn’t it worth your time-as a self respecting woman-to find out if I’m the right kind of male asshole to your kind of crazy bitch?

Let’s take our time. It’s infinite, so it’s not like it’s gonna run out. You don’t need to find “him” immediately no more than I need to find “her” today. Take your time, get to know more about me than what I put in the sales pitch. A line I used when selling cars kinda fits here. “Let’s take a test drive first because it doesn’t matter if the car is one dollar or a thousand. If you don’t like it, you’re not gonna buy it.”

Hope that clears some things up. Now on to some less pressing but equally bothersome items in the singles site mambo.

  • COMPATIBILITY: It offers a percentage. Which it uses to find “matches”. But some of them don’t make sense. I go to the profile and check the person out because it says we are “90% compatible, 75% friends, 5% enemies”. My brain says ” Sweet! So we’ll see eye to eye on most matters and the enemies bit means that our differences are so minute that they’ll be non-issues.”
    But then I’ll read the summary and find myself saying “There is no way. We are on two different levels.”
    On the flipside of that is I’ll read the profile and think the percentages are correct and message them and NEVER GET A RESPONSE BACK. I’m beginning to think some people don’t put as much thought into compatibility…
  • LIVE SHOWS: Yeah, I get it. Concerts rock. They do. I totally agree. But is that really the sole purpose of you getting onto a singles site is to find a person to go to concerts with? I love live shows. I will watch shitty hipster indie hippy jam bands if it means I’m at a live show. (Yeah, Widespread Panic sounds like an awesome metal band as far as band names go but….well, I was a bit let down.) I’ve even sat through a guy singing cookie cutter nu-country songs involving the same, tired country music tropes and had a good time (This would make more sense if you understand how much I hate everything that country music has become.) because it was a live show.
  • FAVORITE MOVIES/MUSIC/TV SHOWS/FOOD, ETC.: Okay. This one is funny. So she likes slapstick, no-brainer, pure stupidity comedies that I love……WELL, HOLY SHIT WE ARE DESTINED FOR EACH OTHER!
    It’s a silly notion. It does offer some insight into a person but it’s not really the definer of a person. I introduce myself as ‘Tony’. Not as ‘Tony, a lover of sushi and comedies and zombie movies and prog rock and heavy metal and Top Gear and Dr. Who (OMG! I just outed myself as a nerd!) and bbq and edamame and fried chicken…etc.’ until I pass out from failure to breathe between each item. Nope, just ‘Tony’. And really, if you’re into something I’m not into….well, that’s cool. If you were exactly like me that would be considered masturbation, wouldn’t it? And again, that’s one of the things I’m looking to not have to do so much by being on a singles site

Well, I guess I’ve ranted on long enough. Just know that I’m looking for someone to compliment me, not complete me. I already have everything I need, I’m on the market for what I want. And let’s have some fun ladies while we get to know each other. I may not have the greatest smile ever but your laughter is definitely making my day.

…on Taking Forever To Post

Posted in Brain Droppings, Happy News with tags , on December 27, 2011 by journeymantojo

So many thoughts roaming through my head. All of them building steam as the holidays went on. Geez Louise. What a hectic week it’s been. Money stress, neglecting this project, worrying about when and where my next bit of ass might happen, wondering if I should have added that last thought, dealing with a feverish feeling without having an actual damn fever.

It seems in my absence I gained a new follower who has even nominated me for a blogging award! Sweet! I will have to post about that one later…once I’ve figured out how to copy the image and sort out who I will nominate.

So here is the post making excuses for procrastinating and a promise that once my mind settles, I will post something relevant. It seems my mind has drifted off and I’m a bit tired. So goodnight and I will be back to my regular schedule (Once a day, Sundays off) soon.

 

…on Watching The Science Channel

Posted in Brain Droppings, Deep Ponderings, What-if? with tags on December 16, 2011 by journeymantojo

Sometimes I have to watch this channel with a helmet on. Because it keeps blowing my mind.

On the upside, I have a great idea for a good short story. Wondering if I should post it here when I’m done?