Archive for the Deep Ponderings Category

…on That Feeling

Posted in Chick Friends, Deep Ponderings, Feels, Ouch!, Romance on May 17, 2013 by journeymantojo

This is not the post I wanted to be posting. But a little hurt is always the most inspirational.

Unfortunately.

Now I’m not partial to tarot readings, but it meant a lot to her…so I gave in and decided “What the hell? It’s been a while since I dabbled in the ‘mystical’.”

Regretting that decision immensely. I mean, where’s the ‘hope’ when the reading tells you what you know already?

But I’m getting ahead of myself. And to be honest, it’s not really the point.

The point is, no matter how hard you try…regardless of what you hope to accomplish…love is gonna let you down.

I have five sisters. I am the only boy, smack dab in the middle. Which makes it fairly easy for women to talk to me. Which makes it real easy to be friends with them. The downside to this is…well, it should be obvious. In the instances where I’m actually attracted to a woman, she has already friendzoned me.

Now, I like to think that I can get out of this. If I make my intentions clear, right? Wrong again.

So let’s head back to the reading again. Let’s discuss some things that went down. Now this woman doing the reading knew, beyond any doubt that I am very much attracted to her. Take into consideration how utterly devoid of subtlety I am and you will agree..”Dude, you really like her!”

But I was a sucker to an extent. I knew what she wanted from me and I gave it freely. Affection. And attention. I gave it freely because I figured – as unrealistic as it was to figure – that knowing how I felt…knowing how much I cared, she would look at me and it would dawn on her “Hey, this guy is pretty cool. I think i should date him to see how it works out.”

(I can hear a certain friend building up to roaring laughter as she reads this…)

Then the hammer dropped. She suddenly started to grow attached. I could see it in her eyes. We would look at each other and just sit in silence…staring at one another with a certain affection. A beautiful melange of peace and lust and desire and calm and stability in a world of chaos. I. Am. A. Fool.

As she grew more and more to me, she decided to do the hardest thing to do. She decided to leave the one she was with. And I felt a certain joy as I was reinvigorated with a new energy. I was going to get my chance. I was going to have the door opened and I was going to walk through and there she is…the woman who I’ve known for four years now. All the missed moments; all the times we had seen the other with someone else; all the hurt and jealousy and lucidity. It was here at last, the time we had waited for. We knew the other was wanting this. But…

Always “but”…

But…her split hit her harder than anticipated.

She asked for time. to heal and to take some ‘her’ time. And, I respected her wishes. Always talking when we could.

It was during this time that she began singing the praises that one sings for a loved one. All praises for me. “I’m a great guy.” “I’m a keeper.” All that “Anyone-would-be-a-fool-to-let-you-get-away” song and dance.

And as if some dog, abused and confused by some master that pets with one hand while waving a newspaper in the other, I waited.

She split up with him roughly two weeks ago.

She is dating someone now. She’s worried that it will affect her friendship with a female friend of hers. Seems her friend was interested in this boy. She is afraid that it will cost her this female friend. And she comes to me for help. To me?! And this is the first I hear of this new boyfriend. She’s telling me – no, not telling me – asking me for advice. The man in the wings. The one on hold. She’s asking me what should she do.

I can’t take it anymore. I told her to go somewhere else for help. I’m done. It hurts to do that to a friend but it’s what has to be done.

I will get up and dust myself off. I will look elsewhere. I will still believe that something is for me. And I will continue doing it my way. I will be a friend. And I will take the time to get to know someone. And respect them. Good guys finish last, but we still finish.

But here’s the kick. At the reading, she pointed out that part of what my trouble is that I have trouble opening up and letting people in. I explained that opening up leads to getting hurt. That everytime I let someone in, they burn the place to the ground. She sits there and stays the course. “Tony, you can’t keep the wall up forever. You have to let people in. You HAVE to open up.” So I decide to open up – after four long years – I decide to let her in. And she burns the place to the ground.

Sometimes love…well, love will let you down.

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…on Making Thoughts Into Words, Some Bad Blood and A Philosophy From New Epiphanies!

Posted in Brain Droppings, Deep Ponderings, Philosophy on February 13, 2013 by journeymantojo

Ahh, internet journal/sounding board/rant station/soapbox/thingy. I’ve missed you.

But you gotta understand baby, it’s been a weird ass week. First attempt was a fail because a friend posted a link that lead to me knee-jerk sharing my poisonous liberal views. Then of course, I realized I was just doing what I chastised others for. So I chastised myself and by the time I was done chastising/researching/quote-searching/PD photo-jacking I realized that sleep would be needed. So off to bed and then post tomorrow. That was the hope anyway but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Because bad shit was brewing!

03-lightning
Heavy handed metaphor! BUM-BUM-BUUUUUUUUM!

Seems rumors were flying about at my current place of employment. Rumors about me. Won’t go into details but let’s just say that, well according to the gossips, the following images would have the exact opposite effect on me than what they did when I found them.

c3e9T“Ewwww, look at those mildew stains. That’s just poor home maintenance.”

sexy-girls-tight-dresses-42“Those windows are DISGUSTING!”

 


I could post more pics, but I think I’ve proven my point.

But the accusations would keep me distracted, so naturally I wasn’t really in the mood to post. Eventually though, my name was cleared.

Sent a text to a friend to let her know what was going on and she tells me that a lot has been on her mind and an old familiar demon was permeating her words. And of course when I say permeating I mean she was blatantly stating what was on her mind because Tony doesn’t do good with subtlety.

resized_Vb7IEqG“What did you mean when you said ‘Duck’?”

I’m gonna get a little philosophical here for a bit.

Maybe it will help shed some light. So let’s talk about my favorite subject for a second.

9h7H6Nice try sexy Star Trek nerd, but no. You’re not the topic.

As much as I wish she was, she isn’t. No, right now I’m going to talk about me. But I’m gonna bare a little. Sit down. I didn’t mean like that.

[Side story 1]
One day I was talking to my oldest sister about this girl I was chatting up – no, not that one – and was saying that she seemed pretty cool. “Gonna ask her out?” she asked. “I was thinking about it. She seems cool.” “So, by cool you mean ‘you think she’s alright for now until you get to know her better and she starts to bore you at which point you’ll break up with her’?” “I don’t-” Didn’t even get to finish the sentence. Sis gave me a look and the other two sisters in the room – I have five total; yepp, I’m an only son and the middle child as well – were sharing her look. Was that really what I do? Leave when I’m bored? Or at least self sabotage? “Not always”. They explained. Their were some cases where it would’ve proved the exceptions. But as a whole……

[Side story 2]
Some people I know tend to describe me as arrogant. Very much so. Just a real cocky attitude and arrogant nature. Whenever it is mentioned I tend to ask “how so?” followed by “citation needed”. In most cases cited as examples it stems from my blatantly stating when I’m bored with a conversation….

I told those two stories to tell this story. I had an epiphany. And in some way, I think it relates to my friends story.

I get bored. I don’t mean ‘nothing-to-do-because-I-lack-the-energy-or-creativity-to-keep-myself-entertained’ bored. Nope. I mean the ‘this-seriously-lacks-any-real-entertainment-value’ bored. Like, if shit doesn’t keep me entertained then I don’t like it. If it doesn’t stimulate me in any particular way, then I’m not gonna waste my time. It’s as plain as that. “God you’re a jerk!” I get that one when someone is talking to me and I stop them with “I don’t mean to be rude, but this story is putting me to sleep” or “I’m sorry, I missed some of what you said because I stopped paying attention.” Which, yeah I can see where people think I’m a jerk or asshole or magnificent bastard. But in most cases it’s from people who say silly shit like “I just don’t like reading” or “I don’t like art” or “it is difficult for me to formulate my own opinions and I’m not really good with context clues and interpreting body language or deductive reasoning or informed theories or things in general”. Yeah, those type of people are fast-tracked to boring town.

And that. lads and gents is how I got the label arrogant. As for the cocky label….well, here’s the part that will be the roughest pill to swallow. It was very important in my family to never assume anything of any man or woman. And although it is human nature to be – even if in the smallest way – judgmental, I pride myself on working everyday to never assume the worst of any human being. But I will only let you people see what you want to see. And for some reason it’s always the wrong assumption. Quick example. Some patrons were praising the food I had prepared. But I had not prepared all of it. Their favorite part of the meal was actually prepared by another cook. So I told them who prepared it. And then complimented how good a cook she is. Later the waitress said she was surprised that someone as cocky as me would allow credit go to someone else. Out of nowhere the epiphany hit me. A defining moral code that can describe everything that this post has been leading to.  What I said to her follows:

“I’m jaded because no one has believed I can do better than them. I’m cynical because no one thinks I can do better than them. I’m cocky because I believe I can do better than them. I’m arrogant because I know I can do better than them. And finally, I’m Tony because I know I can do better than myself.”

Now we can get back to my favorite topic!

friday-dopamine-dump-2023STUPID DICK-THEMED NERD JOKES!

…on “Is That Label Still A Negative These Days???”

Posted in Brain Droppings, Deep Ponderings, Humor, Nerdiness, Roleplaying Games on February 8, 2013 by journeymantojo

Me: “And of course I think the video is funny because it makes fun of tabletop gamers. I mean, the video was making fun of people like me and I was still laughing my ass off.”

Co-worker: “Tabletop gamer?”

Me: “Yeah. You know, Dungeons and Dragons…Shadowrun…Vampire…Exalted? Pen and paper, tabletop role playing games.”

Co-worker: “You played those things? You were one of those guys?”

Me: ………

[End Scene]

True story. That happened to me this weekend at work. I was skeptical at first. I mean, what did she mean. I asked her and her response was “Oh nothing, I just didn’t know you were one of those people.” What? One of those people? You mean….a nerd? Uh, duh I’m a nerd. I’ve made no bones about that. Apparently she must’ve thought I was referring to myself as one of those people who use the word without any real idea as to what that word means.You-keep-using-that-word-300x252Inconceivable!

And as the day wore on, I began to think of the meaning of the word to me and all the other guys who did all-nighters role playing or video gaming or discussing how Final Fantasy VII was going to shift paradigms and how The Hulk would totally win against Superman because his strength grew exponentially with his level of rage whereas Superman’s strength was static or goofing off, drawing Mendel squares to define empirically the odds and frequency in which werewolves mating with humans would produce werewolves (Werewolf The Apocalypse clearly states that the werewolf -aka Garou- trait is recessive).funny_picdump_211_640_18That’s why I always picked you Hulk. Supes never backed up anything he said.

But we weren’t always time killing on such frivolous – or at the time could be seen as frivolous – endeavors as which superhero was cooler or why every gamer wasn’t allowed to make an all half-elf/half-orc/tiefling/genasi/aasimar/gnoll/cambion/whatever-other-monster-hybrid-they-could-concoct party or which new video game was going to usher in the next generation of AIs and so on. We were also in the school band and athletes and winning annual yearbook booby prizes (best dressed, most likely to…, etc.). We were wrestlers, and football players, and math quizzers, and drama campers. We had steadies and attended dances and went to regionals.

What we didn’t realize at the time was those frivolous activities we participated in at the time were enhancing our experiences. Now I can’t quote statistics and shit, but from my own experiences I can say firmly that the nerdiness could be compared to supplemental homework.

When I was in middle school and high school, I could give two shits about what anything outside of history or science, but it actually was working on my math skills with gaming. Ask anyone who has ever played the games GURPS or Champions and they will explain that fuck yeah you needed some math skills. And the difficulty I would have with just relating a tale or story would be so much more than what it is if I hadn’t taken a few turns behind the GM’s screen. Ever had a job where you find yourself in a leader role – even if just temporarily – and have some unruly co-workers? Yeah?! Take a few rounds behind the screen with some munchkins.

It also provides perspective and debate skills, in my opinion. I may lose my cool on occasions, nobody’s perfect. But it’s nice to have the experience of explaining how the super power photographic reflexes will trump genetic enhancement and super-soldier serums any day of the week when said experience translates into explaining how a montessori school is not your idea of what constitutes a fulfilling learning environment. (Yes, I have had that discussion and the ability to arrange your thoughts, some data and also willing to offer certain concessions – all skills I learned from ‘nerd subject material’ debates. You have to be on the fly super prepared when your debating against a true Captain America fan.)

Want a funny story where it could be considered supplemental homework? Enjoy this little anecdote that kinda covers the ‘learn’ and ‘debate’ bullet points simultaneously. I’ll try to keep this one brief. resized_kM44j1Darth Megahot Wants you to read this story too!

[PLAY TAPE]
One game session – it was Dungeons and Dragons – our party had wondered into a town looking to recover from a particularly heinous dungeon crawl. I mean it was brutal. We lost one party member pretty early. He was a paladin, one of our aggro sponges, so yes our beating in that crawl was pretty heavy. To top it off, the heavy at the end of the crawl ended up being a total anti-climax. Seriously, who has mongrelmen assisted by a horde of kobolds as the boss monster after a crawl that included rooms with clever monsters like rust monsters and a list of some pretty devious traps. The GM did recently acquire a Grimtooth’s and decided to use it immediately. But I digress. We roll into town needed a good resurrection spell and a decent inn to heal and divvy up that hard won loot. It wasn’t a large town. More like a little trading place for the local farms and dales.

They turned us away. Didn’t even get into the town proper. A place we could see from where they stopped us. The GM was being a total prick. I mean, we did rib him pretty hard on the boss fight. Yeah, we were upset. But he was getting even now. The town had a VERY experienced guard keeping us from entering. “This is a peaceful hamlet and we will not allow trouble makers in.” “We just need to rest and resurrect our friend. One night and we’ll be gone,” we pleaded. “No, we will not cop to any ‘adventurers’ (The GM added some venom to that sarcasm. This little session was quickly becoming meta.)” “Just one ni-” “NO!” This went on for a while. The wizard had already assessed the guards power level. They would’ve owned us. And our cleric hadn’t talked to his deity since the last encounter.

We left the town in a huff. After a bit of a trek, some of us bleeding out – this was before third edition and it’s skills system, so no real ‘first-aid’ – and all of us becoming upset with the town we decided to take it up a notch on the ‘we-don’t-allow-meta-but-the-GM-was-being-a-dick-so-let’s-get-stupid-meta’. We had an extra pack mule. Wasn’t carrying anything. The wizard took the mule, and through an interesting melange of spells (don’t ask. I can’t remember the exact stack) enabled the mule with the spellcasting talent. Yes, he taught the mule the Art! Of course, it was all by the book. And of course the GM is allowing this because he wants to see this play out. Now the mule can cast spells and most importantly, read scrolls. The last one is the key because, our wizard checks with the GM “You could say that donkey was pretty thirsty, right?” GM thinks it over. “Sure,” he says. “Cool.” “Hey, Tony. Still got your teleports?” I check the sheet. Yep, all four. I pass it to the wizard who promptly hangs it in front of the mule. The mule reads the scroll and BAMF! gone. Quickly, the wizard grabs one of the new magic rulebooks the group acquired and points out all these weird ass charts on odds to teleport here and how to determine those odds and so on.big-boobs-flbp-13Darth Megahot is happy you decided to keep reading.

Now this is where it gets funny. And the real world comes in. The wizard rolls the dice. He’s clearly aiming the mule. He wants a specific range of numbers. A little chuckle, a collective ‘come on?!’ from the other players and CLACK! He rolled the sweetness. Perfect. The mule teleported into a wall within the hamlet. The cleric looks the GM directly in the eye and says, as stone cold as possible, “Now. That town is atomized.” The GM goes to object and before he opens his mouth, one of the most epic debates started. Matter cannot occupy the same space as other matter at the same time. It was one of the most beautiful debates. We were all in on it. Every objection had a solid counterpoint. The debate raged for almost twenty minutes or better. “You can’t aim a mule reading a scroll!” Hey man, the dice don’t lie. “The mule died as it entered the wall!” Doesn’t make a difference, dead or alive, matter is matter and two objects can’t occupy same place and time bro. Finally logic entered the debate. One statement that should’ve ended it there. “Guys, this is a fantasy game!” But we were waiting for that one too. When the GM wouldn’t let us make an all outsider halfbreed party, he made his point using an argument that he supported with population stats and genetic models. (I’m making none of this up.) Well, if he can use sociology, life science and statistics to corral our race choices, then we will use physics and game theory to nuke a hamlet (As twisted or ill informed as that decision was).

After so much debate, he finally conceded. This hamlet who denied us entrance was atomized. But don’t worry. The GM got even. He saved the locale so that the next time we were in that area with a new party, he broke out a copy of Gamma World and had us roll on the random mutation tables. Seems the fall out from the hamlet lingered and caused mutations. Guess we forgot that the GM was just as devious as us.Star Wars Girls_-40-1Thank you for reading. Here’s a hot Storm Trooper.
[END TAPE]

This is one of my favorite tales. And relevant in that it kinda shows that those nerds talking about dragons and elves and Ant-man and Deadpool and Cloud Strife and Solid Snake aren’t just talking about video games and comics and tabletop games. Their talking about mythology and science and technology and drama and adventure and sociology and anthropology and the arts and philosophy and politics and so much more.

Yeah, I’m a nerd. And no matter what else is said about me – comedian, writer, philosopher, chef, magnificent bastard – I will always be proudest of nerd. Really, what other badge do I need?

…on Keeping A Promise

Posted in Brain Droppings, Deep Ponderings, Happy News on February 6, 2013 by journeymantojo

Remember this one?

That was quite aways back. I started this blog to really hone my writing. Using my own voice and my own little blog to really just spew stream of consciousness writing as I try to obtain, find, discover, or at least fake my own voice.

Sadly, my blog took a back seat to other shit that made me really miss what I enjoyed. I really enjoy. Pissing and moaning and joking about a potpourri of odds and ends as they spew forth from my brain to my hands and make their way onto this humble little blog. After last nights post gaining a lot of traction (WordPress stats has declared Feb. 4th as the post that garnered me the most followers, and to you who have signed on to listen to a cynics miserable attempts at optimism I say thank you for climbing on board and hope you really enjoy the show.) I have decided to really throw in with this. To just, from now on start throwing every thought, in as fully a fleshed out way as possible, onto this little internet journal. To battle through exhaustion (Be it from working or an all-nighter session of ‘self-loving’) and post. To stop with the attempts at thought sorting and just mentally vomit onto this blog (Seriously, I’ve abandoned and lost so many post because I forgot to be all ‘stream-of-consciousness-y’ and wanted to be all ‘well-research-ied’……well-research-ied? well-research-ed? well-resea….okay, I think I killed that joke!). This also means I’ll be working more on defining, for the new readers and for the dedicated friends who’ve been with me from the start, what I guess you could really call my warped sense of reality and morals and ethics and sense of existentialism but what I prefer to call my philosophy.

So as promised, and better late than never (The credo of every lazy procrastinator, <big grinz>) I finally have it. My new year’s resolution! (But in an odd sort of way, it being late still keeps with the notion I put forward in the original post, which was regardless of what time of year, if you’re unhappy about what you’re doing, change it then instead of waiting for it to become some New Year’s promise that will inevitably fail because you didn’t make the resolution as a way to change your life but to keep with some….fuck it, you get my point. My “lateness” is open to interpretation is my point.) Let’s try this again. Without further ado. My New Year’s Resolution!! (It’s in caps now, so you know I’m serious.)

I WILL WRITE! Fully and honestly, I will write. I will be an exposed wound. I will be a nerd. I will be a cynical prick (Oooh, big shocker on that one Tony.) I will be political. And I will, as always, be a little dumb. But above all else, I will write.

So there you have it. The Journeymantojo has been hankering to get his word on. Grab a seat. Strap in. I’m about to get stupid!!

…on The Art of Bullet Dodging

Posted in Brain Droppings, Chick, Deep Ponderings, Happy News, Philosophy on February 5, 2013 by journeymantojo

It’s a subtle art that calls for grace and agility. And it should be mastered by every one. Even the belligerent like myself.

Let’s back up.

A few weeks ago I posted about a gal I was fancying and how I felt about gender assumptions. Well, I was approaching this one cautiously. Sought council with trusted friends. Had established a network of agents to operate and gather intel in my absence. A very good approach to any situation. (And they said I was crazy for reading Sun Tzu…..truthfully nobody has said that. But this is my blog so let’s all just pretend they did. I’m trying to play the part of the misunderstood dude here.)

Now, of course I wasn’t sitting around just waiting for her to magically appear in my doorway, so like I said, I was scouting and calculating risk and so on.

The attraction was part physical but it was also the strong possibility that this one might be level-headed but (And seriously, who didn’t see that coming. If there wasn’t a but this would be called “…on Life Being Pretty Sweet Right Now.”) it turns out that she lacks one of the key qualities to being level-headed.

Her downfall….she pines for someone who has no interest.

[Intermission]: For those who know my past and how far I’ve come, you will understand that despite initial appearance, this isn’t pining over an unrequited but merely a joyous rant on how people confuse me at times because this is the part where she stops being the central focus and the subject of bullet dodging takes the fore. [Game On]

Seriously, what is there to gain from it. Like, I get wanting someone. The paper I list my “date-ables” on, I could build a paper airplane the size of a Boeing 757 with the ability to comfortably accommodate…wait, how many people can comfortably fit in a 757 and how much weight would that be in both food and beverages to accommodate said passengers? Fuck, what was I metaphoring about? Damn. Oh yeah. Look, it would be a lot of paper, okay?! Can we stop putting me under all this pressure. I’ve reached my metaphor quota for this day. Either way though, yes the list is large but the emotional investment has been stopped. I no longer throw those emotions into a relationship where there is no dividend. It’s just irresponsible. So why do people still do it? Why throw away your feelings when there is someone out there who will promise better returns on the emotional investment.

Meanwhile, back at the topic of the heading. I feel I’ve dodged the bullet because like I’ve been saying this whole time, I just won’t invest in something that promises me no returns. And as an added huzzah to this successful dodging of imaginary bullet (IMAGINARY not MAGIC. These are life stories, not conspiracy theories. The JFK room is two halls over.) is the fact that a mutual acquaintance explained to me once that she doesn’t seem to be the cause of drama. The recent unfolding of events have proven to the contrary. So I have dodged the most crucial bullet of all. A drama battery.

…on Piracy

Posted in Brain Droppings, Deep Ponderings, Music, Politics with tags , , on March 12, 2012 by journeymantojo

Me and a friend were talking about the old days of anime. How it was all handled by video swaps and trades. Because back then, there were no specialty mall stores handling all things anime. It was anime fans trading VHS cassettes with two or three different recorded animes. And we would take these tapes and retape them and put them into our collection and then trade out that tape for another collection of anime. Potlabor, Tank Police, Akira, Riding Bean, Ninja Scroll…..all of those I saw on bootleg tapes.

Of course I only bring this up because not even a full month before this discussion I was watching Metal Evolution. Good show dealing with the history of the metal scene. And in the thrash episode, there is Lars Ulrich talking about how in the past (the ’80’s) the only way to get music from the thrash metal scene was through tape trading. It wasn’t just limited to metal. A lot of underground scenes relied on it. Hip-hop, indie rock, alternative, DIY punk…all of them. But my point is, here was Lars Ulrich saying that tape swapping was awesome. Wait, isn’t this th guy who attacked NAPSTER? Tape swapping is file sharing people. When I was looking for the clip of him admitting to ’80’s era piracy, I stumbled on to this:

Because i only thought of tape swapping as a localized thing. But apparently, with the internet, tape swapping has become so much more. These guys are live in countries where this kind of music isn’t exactly smiled upon.

Now this isn’t me justifying it by tacking some bigger, nobler it’s-about-freedom-and-bringing-music-to-the-oppressed type cause line to this whole debate. But I am saying that it does feel that way when an Arab and an Egyptian are saying that it’s the ONLY WAY THEY CAN GET THAT MUSIC.

I’ve been in two bands. And I’ve always let it be known by my bandmates that I don’t give a shit if my music gets pirated. As long as some kid is hearing my music and getting off, getting inspired, wanting to create something himself, then I don’t care. Let them download my shit.

“What about the money dude?” That was always the counterpoint. To which I would simply say, “So the kid got my album for free. I hope he likes it. I hope he loves my music. I hope he loves it so much that he wants to see us live. That’s when he’ll fork over the cash.” We would all laugh, but the reality is…..as long as that kid gets that there is someone out there who feels, thinks, lives, understands what he is going through the way music has done for all of us, who cares if he stole it? Just means the executive who signed us won’t make money.

But that’s just the opinion of some struggling musician. “I’m sure your opinion would change once you get signed.” Well, let’s ask Dave Grohl.

He's a friend. He let me use his image. We're tight like that

Just a thought.

…on How Do I Get THAT Job?

Posted in Brain Droppings, Deep Ponderings, Humor, Lists with tags , , on February 2, 2012 by journeymantojo

Watching History Channel the other day (As I often do) and it was this show on spirits. The liquor kind, not the restless dead kind. And there was this guy…one of the “experts” that they often consult and his job title under his name was Editor, Beer Monthly (Or some shit like that. I can’t remember the title, just that it was an “industry” mag.) And I thought of that line from Blazing Saddles; “Men, we have to band together to protect our phony baloney jobs!”

After I chuckled a bit, I thought a deeper thought. Now I don’t mean to take away from the legitimacy of this guys job. I never understood industry mags (The biggest thought being “How can one person love an industry so much that he can write about it once a month?”) but they do serve a function. I guess. Because I can’t even say I would want to read one other than pure, morbid curiosity. But my deeper thought was, “How do I get one of the phony baloney jobs that would make me an expert for History Channel, or Discovery, or whatever documentary channel or movie out there?”

Here is a list of some of my favorites.

  • UFOlogist: Come on! What school or degree could you attend or get that makes you an expert on something that’s very realism is questioned? And these guys legitimately make money from this? What the hell could the bid or contract negotiation be like? “Yes sir. We can say it was a UFO or not for roughly 2,000 American dollars. Now, we will need to research and study all the testimony. And there will be expenses. So that brings us to….*slips on green visor and starts calculating on an old time-y accountant machine*…6,782 dollars and 47 cents.”
  • Publisher of fringe subject magazine: This one kind of falls into the UFOlogist one as well. There are people out there actually subscribing to Batshit Insane Quarterly, or whatever it’s called. And not just a few. No we’re talking enough to maintain this “experts” lifestyle. It always involves ghosts or monsters or UFOs or Bigfoot and Elvis sightings.
  • Conspiracy Experts: Ahhhh, now I’m of two sides on this. On one hand I feel anger because these guys are spouting such weird ass fringe shit like Christ wife moved to France and started the Merovingian dynasty, or 9/11 was an inside job, or that the Freemasons will not stop until everyone in America is under their mind control. On the other hand, some of these leaps of logic are so Superman-esque that it does seem like a super power. And of that, well hell, I’m always jealous of people with super powers (One day Ninja Turtles! One day!). But the most jarring thing is that these people get PAID FOR THIS SHIT! Is it hourly or salary?
  • Ghost Hunters: Another one that barely qualifies as a “job”. “We’re gonna pay you money to spend the night in a place alone. In that time we want to know if anything funny happens”. And not even just a little bit of money. Have you seen some of the equipment they use? That shit costs crazy bank. So they have money to maintain their lives as well as buy wicked expensive amounts of shit! Do me a fave readers. Next time you’re home alone, go through the house and turn everything off. Lights, TV, radio, any source of noise or light. See how long it takes for some “haunting” to go down. My point will be proven further by those whose place of residence isn’t even old enough to house a family, let alone a haunting past (Please read that line in a very spooky voice!) And you will get why I think this is one of the phoniest and baloney-ist of jobs.
  • “POP CULTURE” Historian: These are the ones that really piss me off. Because I would KILL at these jobs! Seriously, one show had a Comic Book Historian. Are you fuckin’ kidding me?! How do I land that sweet job? You mean people will pay me to know a shit ton about comic books? Well, I’m already there guys! Make that sweet ass check out to “Cash”! I’m being serious. Hell, I can also expert on movies, dick and fart jokes, music, cartoons, eighties sitcoms, music videos. Hell, if it involves any kind of pop culture, chances are I AM AN EXPERT! Now if anybody seriously knows how to apply to that job, please just let me know.

Now of course, I really only bitch because these guys were clever enough to think up these sweet jobs. And I’m stuck here trying to make ends meet by actually working. But one day……”Get me an expert on comic books. A historian if possible!” “Well sir, we have just gotten this application from one Tony. And he wants us to make his checks to ‘Cash’ (See it’s one of his provisos).” “Hmm, he seems qualified. And we seriously have all this money that we need to give away. Let’s get him!”

Yeah, that would be pretty sweet.