…on Let’s Make A Pact, You’re Gonna Say Exactly What You Mean

God bless all my friends, especially the female ones. And yeah, even the straight shooting ones!

I’ve sorted out what it was that had upset me. Sometimes it just takes a while to get my head around it because emotions tend to cloud my favorite pal…Logic.

I was upset because I have been around this damn ride so many times in the past month or two that, unfortunately for her, it was the straw that broke the camels back. I’ve reached a point that what needs to be said is exactly what is in your head.

Now, it is a little easier for me to say that now because my mind decided to be MORE direct. As in I was already a pretty direct person (One ex told me that she felt like sometimes I forgot that I was talking to a woman because I was too blunt…..whoops.) but now I’ve become this weird amalgamation of Asperger’s and insanity. Saying whatever comes into my head. Fuck decorum. I would like to say this was some kind of New Year’s resolution gone wrong (“Hey, I resolve to just say what I’m feeling. Hey pretty lady, your hot and why am I still wearing pants?!”) but as anyone who follows my blog knows, I’m not into resolutions.

No, this one seems to have just happened. I was talking to a friend and my head told my mouth to say “Well, I don’t foresee us fucking anytime soon so I figured I’d let you know why I’m not feeling good.” And I’ll be damned if my mouth didn’t just up and say it. My mouth is such an easy pushover, always doing what my brain tells it to do. Pussy. And boy, the look she gave me. Priceless. It wasn’t the look of “Where is your manners good sir?!?” but more of a “Good God man, would you mind taking a minute to stop violated decorum and speak as civilized people do?!?” She didn’t seem too impressed. Understandably so. In my defense, I wasn’t really saying it to impress. “Wow, that was direct!” was her response. I let out a chuckle, “Yeah, I guess so. But hell, if we can’t say what we think, what’s the point of trying?” It took her a day, but we’re back to good. Going to have coffee soon. And it’s kind of liberated her as well in a sense. (I texted her a few days ago saying “One of these days, I’m going to buy you that coffee I promised you.” Her response? “Hopefully before I’m gray!” Brought a big smile to my face.)

So, I’m not mad at my brain for doing that to me. I’m glad. It’s been a bit liberating. I’m not a person that really holds back on his opinion, or what he feels, or what he thinks, or what ever pops into his head. Asshole always seems to cross people’s lips when describing me.

Because games aren’t my thing. Don’t think I’m very good at them so I don’t play them. This little incident Friday reminded me of one of my core principles. One that somehow got lost in the paperwork. So it’s back to good ole’ me and just speaking from the one thing I’ve always trusted most…..myself.

And in response to one comment that was left on my last post: Nope, I’ve never tried to juggle more than one woman at a time while dating. 1> I don’t like being the consolation prize so I never do that to another woman; there is no “Well, if she doesn’t work out then maybe the other one I have on the line will.” 2> If at any time I feel it isn’t working, she will be the first to know. I’d rather her hate me now than weeks down the road after leading her to think there is something going on.

…on The Great Debate

After calling several times and only getting a voicemail. And then trying to text to say “pick up the damn phone”, I finally decided to just say “Fuck it!” and sent an email explaining why it had hurt me, why I was pissed and why I felt she was a lie. I didn’t expect a reply (People don’t tend to respond well to being called two-faced.) but Lo! I got a response.

In it she explains how she was sorry for what she had done and that she doesn’t feel like having to explain what she did and yadda-yadda-yadda…..long story short, it seemed like she was trying to say that she wants to be friends still.

How in the hell am I supposed to be friends when I feel like you lied? Like I opened myself up to you to have you break that down. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” But you did. Pretty bad surprisingly (To me it’s surprising. But in my defense, I thought there was a lot of chemistry….wait, she said the same thing too!). We had started talking and it was going so well. Like we were both very excited to be hearing from the other. But I knew what with the holidays approaching, I needed to take it slooooow because when shit gets busy…well, it’s a bit tricky to be dating with everything going on. But then I started feeling the pressure. “When are we gonna have a coffee together?” Man, I can’t wait to meet you.”

I buckled. God, I shoulda stood my ground. But I guess what seemed logical to me doesn’t always appeal to others. So we decided to have coffee and she started to freak a little because she felt so pressured like it was a relationship (Uh, you were the one calling me, I was just shooting a text on occasion and leaving voicemails saying “Hey, you’re in my thoughts and I hope your day is going well.” No, you were the one who called me every night for two weeks before we met for coffee. So, who was being pressured? You can catch my little rant about “pressure” in dating here. It mentions our outing for coffee.) She drops the bomb “I’m just not ready for a relationship.” Okay, it’s a date woman….not a marriage proposal. This relaxed her a bit and we continued to talk for a few more hours. She was such a cool chick. We hugged and got in our cars and went home. We talked a few more times on the phone after that.

But as the holidays approached, I shot her a text (Tried to call a few times but got nothing.) saying that things were getting busy and that I wouldn’t be able to chat much but that I was still thinking of her and that I will try to shoot her a text to say hey on occasion. That was for two weeks. Two weeks after our date. I finally get a chance to call her and say I would love to meet again (She was shocked at that…guess that was my first clue). I call her a few more times. We chat for a short bit. Then I get a text asking what days off I had. Well, the next day I was off so she says “I will call you after I’m done.” Cool!

She calls and we talk for a bit and like a tool I compliment her and say I’ve missed talking to her (Which I honestly had missed talking to her.) and that’s where she drops the bomb on me. “Tony, I’ve been seeing someone and I know I said I wasn’t ready for a relationship, but it just sort of happened and….” “So, I’m out of the picture now? (Duh Tony)” “Well, we’ve been seeing each other for a few weeks now..” “A few weeks?! So shortly after our date you start seeing someone that you want to get serious with?”

I’ll spare you the drama but I was furious. Hurt like hell.

My point is…like a fucking idiot, I replied to her email response. Seems I always have to have the last word. I was cordial. Explaining why it sucked and how it didn’t make sense to say you weren’t ready only to find out that you are seeing someone serious like shortly after our meeting….the one where she said those very damn words. And the “it just happened” explanation doesn’t help. If you had meant what you said to me then it would not have “just happened”. I mean, am I just not getting this female’s logic?

…on New Days

I’m feeling so much better today. I want to thank all of you for the comments you made and the thoughts you sent my way.

“In a world filled with uncertainty and mixed metaphors, all one man needed…..was…..(BIG EXPLOSION)…..LOVE!” (To be read in your best action movie trailer voice-over voice)

Thanks again guys.

…on Prophets of Science Fiction?

Been watching this show about science fiction writers that I find kinda neat. Though some of these “prophets” are definitely in question. (I read a bit of science fiction so do I consider myself an expert. Hell yeah I do. It’s my blog!) So a little explanation. It’s on The Science Channel. It’s produced by Ridley Scott (Yeah, the Blade Runner guy). It is supposed to look at people that not only inspired today’s sci-fi but it also claims that these writers had prophecied the science of today.

Now some of the guys covered could be considered prophets (Well, maybe not prophets. More like inspirers.) They did have a futurist style to their writing. (Futurist=guys who can kind of predict what the future will be like based on modern scientific trends.)

Immediately Arthur C. Clark, Philip K. Dick, H.G. Wells come to mind. The others….not so much. Mary Shelley didn’t really futurize anything. And they focus more on Frankenstein than they did on The Last Man. The latter being a tale about mankind being wiped out by a plague seems closer to reality in this biological warfare/disease experimenting world we got going on currently. But what do I know.

Upcoming episodes will be focusing on Heinlein (Hell yeah! love this guy’s writing.), Asimov (I, Robot…..’nuff said.). These two guys are pretty big deals in sci-fi circles.

Jules Verne is also on the list….which is weird. But hell, Twenty-Thousand Leagues Under The Sea, A Journey To The Center Of The Earth. But his stuff was more about high adventure than sci-fi.

The thorn in my side (And before I proceed, let me say that I loved the first trilogy) is George Lucas. George Lucas? Really? The list was that dried up? He does one good sci-fi trilogy and then a sci-fi travesty and we consider him a prophet? Come on. There are so many other choices to go with.

William Gibson: Godfather of Cyberpunk. Basically invented the idea of the internet before Al Gore even started working on it. And a dystopic future where the corporations are autonomous entities operating outside of any nations law and the poor are….well, poor. But the tech is seriously existent now and the science is proving to be pretty much now.

Gene Roddenberry: Holy shit! This should be counted considering the tech we have now that was inspired by the show. And they named a fucking shuttle after the main craft in the show.

Reader’s Pick> George Orwell, Aldous Huxley: So they really only wrote one sci-fi novel. 1984 and Brave New World respectively. But hell these things are so damn relevant to our current world. Hell, the near accuracy of some of their stuff means you’d have to change the name of the show to Sorcerer’s Who Wrote Sci-Fi On Occasion. Shit they gave one to Mary Shelley. At least these guys are more futurists.

So there you go….I picked four guys and the first two I know because I’m a sci-fi fan. Hell, I forgot the last two and found them by just scrolling this page on Wikipedia.

So come on Science Channel. Ditch the Lucas and Shelley. Let’s go for some real sci-fi guys.

…on The Neverending Quest Of The Safety

Wow! So that’s another one to knock my dick in the dirt. And today started off so good too.

So I’ve been chatting with this gal for a few weeks and we had a lot of chemistry. Note I said had.

Seems that she was one of the oh so many who just wasn’t “sure” if she wanted a relationship. So I figured “What the hey, I’ll give her some space, be all cool and shit and get to know her a little more because we have some chemistry and I could see hooking up with her. No pressure.”

Well, after the New Year’s I decided to up the game and let her know that I was thinking of her. See if I couldn’t get another date. right?

Well, I got a phone call today and was all being playful. She pauses for a brief second and tells me that although she said she wasn’t sure if she was ready, she has started seeing someone. Wow. Really?! Like that?

“But understand, I didn’t mean for it to happen and I don’t know where it’s going but we have been seeing each other for a few weeks. You and I had some really good chemistry but everything got all hectic and I guess the timing was just bad….I don’t know….I just decided to see this other guy.”

I’m trying not to be bitter but I’m really sick and tired of this bullshit. If you don’t like me or I fucking repulse you….just fucking tell me. Don’t give me some bullshit about “timing” or your “readiness” or any of that other shit.

I’m also a bit tired of nobody being ready for a relationship…correction; I’m tired of everybody being ready for a relationship with anybody but me.

Fuck this. I’m done. I’ve just fucking had it. Anybody wants me you can find me when I get back. I’m tired of this place breaking me down every day. “Having a good day? Well, we can’t have that bullshit.” Why? Why can’t I fucking get mine?

…on Follow Up Posts: Some Poetry I Wrote A While Back

The following is a poem I wrote on a dare. A friend handed me a jumbled mess of words (They were those refrigerator poetry magnets.) and said “Do a poem with these words. Have it make sense.” When I was done he said “Wow! Dude this is good.” So I kept it. Let’s see if you can guess what I was going through when I wrote this.

 

Caramel champagne ghost delightfully cloud
Morning wakeness evergreen she embraces
Marble
Wonderland daughter

Lingering expectation that ferocious perfume
Dances wild laughing she feline naked
Poison
Sleeping heartless

 

…on The New Curriculum

My sister made an interesting comment today in her status update.

“My son is reading John Saul “The Devil’s Labyrinth”for his American Lit class. What happened to reading Mark Twain and Nathaniel Hawthorne?”

To which I had to respond, “I’ll tell you what happened to Twain and Hawthorne. They’re fuckin’ boring.”

The talk went back and forth for a few points. In summation “They’re classics and inspired writers” “I didn’t say they aren’t great writers. Just boring”

You see, Victor Hugo is supposed to be this epic writer of epic epicness. But has anybody tried to read The Miserable or The Hunchback of Notre Dame? Coma type writing they are.This coming from a guy who reads Dante and Homer for fun.

But I didn’t stumble onto those guys until after school. When I was out.

So I applaud the school for finally getting into letting students pick their own lit choices. And for finally catching on to new styles of old genres. Now, I will admit….if it wasn’t for the school making me read Of Mice and Men, I would have never discovered how AWESOME Steinbeck was as a writer. I also probably wouldn’t have figured out just how scary living during the Depression was either. But that’s not the point. My point is I love Steinbeck and I can thank my ninth grade English class for that.

But whenever we did poetry I was bored out of my skull. We read E.E. Cummings (And now I’m required to spell her name in lower case because “she’s an ARTISTE!” Bullshit!) and Robert Frost and Longfellow and…..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Wha-? Sorry. I mean, these guys have to be boring if they make me pass out just from listing their names. These were the most painful reading experiences of my life. Poems about trees and rivers and wallpaper and yadda-yadda-yadda. Yeah! Dozefest! It wasn’t until I was out of school that I discovered the Beat Poets (Ginsberg, Case, Cassaday, Solomon, etc.) and epic poetry by the likes of Milton, Dante, Byron. These guys made poetry accessible and good. Epic imagery from the classics and shit I was going through in the Beats. I suddenly wanted to start writing poetry.

And nowhere were the guys like Lovecraft, Dick, Gibson….hell, we never even had any Tolkien. Come on! The guy wrote The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings trilogy! He invented fantasy! It’s TOLKIEN people!

I guess my point is….hell, I’m just glad he’s reading. It seems to be such a rare thing for young ‘uns to want to read. I get super excited when I find anyone under the age of 25 who even reads the damn instruction manual for a video game. It’s tragic. I think schools need to start letting people pick their own required reading. Now we know that nobody will want to pick up any of the Deerstalker books. But maybe they’ll get into a book, find the author was inspired by one of the older (and deader) guys and read his stuff. Or at least acknowledge the older (and deader) guys. I mean, I still can’t read Cummings without dropping into an irreversible coma. But she inspired a few of the guys that inspired me. So I admit her okayness (She will never qualify as cool to me.)

But hell, at least he’s reading.

…on Going To Work Early

I am just NOT a morning person. Sheesh. And to top it off, I could not get to sleep last night so I’m going to be exhausted at work. Don’t get off until 6. But enough about me. What are you wearing?

…on “Don’t Take It So Seriously, It’s Just Sex”

Me and a buddy were talking about sex today….because that’s what guys do. And it got me to thinking about how……Victorian some people are about this shit.

I’ll admit, I think of sex as a philosophical and spiritual experience. To where every time I lay with a woman it’s an epic thing and means so much. But in the same breath….it’s sex. If you can’t talk about it, it really makes me think about how little you think of it.

I don’t obsess over it but let’s be realistic here, if I’m not having sex then I’m thinking of it on occasion. Because it’s awesome. Hell, even the awkward, first time with someone sex is still pretty good. I have a friend who says sex is like pizza. There is really great pizza and then there is pizza, I’ve never had “bad” pizza. I agree.

But my point is, you don’t have to kiss and tell every little detail but it’s okay to talk about it. It’s 2012. I have a good many female friends and guy friends and it is nothing for the talks amongst us to range from cars, sports, video games, politics, philosophy, religion, and sex. Hell, we talk about everything with candor. Again, not the finite details, but openness is something I consider a great quality. To me it just comes off that if you can’t “discuss” sex then it means your not exactly an open person. And you have a very hard time with your own self image.

For clarity, I don’t need the all the details about your first experience with <insert sexual act here> but every aspect of life is a good story and some of the best talks to ever be had is when you can lay it all out there.

Now I figure that some people don’t share this opinion, and not every body will. But in the midst of talking and sex comes up….don’t freak. Just roll with it. Maybe being a little direct would help.

 

Side notes: I am horrible at the “game”. Everything will be stated in a direct fashion. It’s not because I’m socially awkward. It’s because I’m confident enough to say whatever it is I’m thinking. We can’t please all the people all the time, but you may find that if you are honest with yourself and to who you are….you end up meeting, and pleasing, the only people that will matter to you .

…on “And At Long Last, Shit That Pisses Me Off”

I’m in line at a local grocer’s when I overhear a man bitching about how this country is headed for a socialist government. He also bitches about taxes. Then he proceeds to pay for his purchases with a FUCKING EBT CARD!

Look dude, I can not take your political views seriously if you do all that shit without any sense of irony. You’re really going to bitch about socialism while benefiting from a fucking socialist program? And it dawns on me. My view, politically, philosophically, religiously and socially will never jibe with everybody because the biggest tenet I try to uphold is – slowly and loudly for the people in back – DON’T BE A FUCKIN’ HYPOCRITE.

If you are on welfare – or have ever been on welfare – you can’t bitch about socialism. Because I know nobody has told you this before but….you’re soaking in it asshole. If you receive disability or social security or any other government run program of that sort….guess what you don’t get to bitch about.

If you are an atheist or neopagan or satanist or or what-the-fuck-ever….you don’t get to preach to me about how religion is ruining shit because believe it or not, your little rant is just as dogmatic as the “christian persecution” you would like to think you’re under.

If you don’t like all these taxes, I would like you to write down your name. That way, I will have a list of people who should in no way want to benefit from the shit that taxes pay for like police, fire, emergency, etc. Because I really want nice things and I only feel it fair that if you hate paying taxes and shit then I should just be able to rob you and have your nice things. Oh, and before you point out how that shit is covered by state and county tax blah, blah, blah and you’re bitching about federal tax. Yeah, remember that military you like to bring up as “defending the freedoms that this government is stealing away from you everyday”. Well, hate to rain on your liberties parade but that shit don’t pay for itself sunshine. Maybe we should start corporatizing those things. Let’s see if that jibes with your “Oh my god, don’t socialize medicine” rant.

Most of this shit really seems to be coming from the libertarian side. This may come as a surprise but there are some things that they say that I can get behind. But do you honestly think you could last in a place that was completely run that way. Lord knows I don’t want to. It reminds me to much of anarchy and I’m the first to admit that I like owning things and don’t want some asshole up and snatching my shit because it’s his “liberty” to do so. And before you get your panties in a twist, yes I get it. Libertarianism is about personal responsibility. But let’s face it, we can be a bit dickish about our shit when we think it’s our “right”. Hell, there are days that I just want to drive down the road like I’m Michael Schumacher but we have rules and shit for reasons. It’s because a lot of us are nowhere near grown enough to be deciding this shit for ourselves (Myself included.)

We are all entitled to our opinions. And it’s cool if you want to voice yours. I do constantly on this here little blog and to my friends.  But sometimes, just sometimes, you people really abuse the fucking privilege. And with absolutely no sense of mother fucking irony.