…on How Do I Get THAT Job?

Watching History Channel the other day (As I often do) and it was this show on spirits. The liquor kind, not the restless dead kind. And there was this guy…one of the “experts” that they often consult and his job title under his name was Editor, Beer Monthly (Or some shit like that. I can’t remember the title, just that it was an “industry” mag.) And I thought of that line from Blazing Saddles; “Men, we have to band together to protect our phony baloney jobs!”

After I chuckled a bit, I thought a deeper thought. Now I don’t mean to take away from the legitimacy of this guys job. I never understood industry mags (The biggest thought being “How can one person love an industry so much that he can write about it once a month?”) but they do serve a function. I guess. Because I can’t even say I would want to read one other than pure, morbid curiosity. But my deeper thought was, “How do I get one of the phony baloney jobs that would make me an expert for History Channel, or Discovery, or whatever documentary channel or movie out there?”

Here is a list of some of my favorites.

  • UFOlogist: Come on! What school or degree could you attend or get that makes you an expert on something that’s very realism is questioned? And these guys legitimately make money from this? What the hell could the bid or contract negotiation be like? “Yes sir. We can say it was a UFO or not for roughly 2,000 American dollars. Now, we will need to research and study all the testimony. And there will be expenses. So that brings us to….*slips on green visor and starts calculating on an old time-y accountant machine*…6,782 dollars and 47 cents.”
  • Publisher of fringe subject magazine: This one kind of falls into the UFOlogist one as well. There are people out there actually subscribing to Batshit Insane Quarterly, or whatever it’s called. And not just a few. No we’re talking enough to maintain this “experts” lifestyle. It always involves ghosts or monsters or UFOs or Bigfoot and Elvis sightings.
  • Conspiracy Experts: Ahhhh, now I’m of two sides on this. On one hand I feel anger because these guys are spouting such weird ass fringe shit like Christ wife moved to France and started the Merovingian dynasty, or 9/11 was an inside job, or that the Freemasons will not stop until everyone in America is under their mind control. On the other hand, some of these leaps of logic are so Superman-esque that it does seem like a super power. And of that, well hell, I’m always jealous of people with super powers (One day Ninja Turtles! One day!). But the most jarring thing is that these people get PAID FOR THIS SHIT! Is it hourly or salary?
  • Ghost Hunters: Another one that barely qualifies as a “job”. “We’re gonna pay you money to spend the night in a place alone. In that time we want to know if anything funny happens”. And not even just a little bit of money. Have you seen some of the equipment they use? That shit costs crazy bank. So they have money to maintain their lives as well as buy wicked expensive amounts of shit! Do me a fave readers. Next time you’re home alone, go through the house and turn everything off. Lights, TV, radio, any source of noise or light. See how long it takes for some “haunting” to go down. My point will be proven further by those whose place of residence isn’t even old enough to house a family, let alone a haunting past (Please read that line in a very spooky voice!) And you will get why I think this is one of the phoniest and baloney-ist of jobs.
  • “POP CULTURE” Historian: These are the ones that really piss me off. Because I would KILL at these jobs! Seriously, one show had a Comic Book Historian. Are you fuckin’ kidding me?! How do I land that sweet job? You mean people will pay me to know a shit ton about comic books? Well, I’m already there guys! Make that sweet ass check out to “Cash”! I’m being serious. Hell, I can also expert on movies, dick and fart jokes, music, cartoons, eighties sitcoms, music videos. Hell, if it involves any kind of pop culture, chances are I AM AN EXPERT! Now if anybody seriously knows how to apply to that job, please just let me know.

Now of course, I really only bitch because these guys were clever enough to think up these sweet jobs. And I’m stuck here trying to make ends meet by actually working. But one day……”Get me an expert on comic books. A historian if possible!” “Well sir, we have just gotten this application from one Tony. And he wants us to make his checks to ‘Cash’ (See it’s one of his provisos).” “Hmm, he seems qualified. And we seriously have all this money that we need to give away. Let’s get him!”

Yeah, that would be pretty sweet.



3 Responses to “…on How Do I Get THAT Job?”

  1. I agree wholeheartedly. I would love to be an “expert” on one of those shows – or host ’em. Seems “easy” enough.

  2. Totally!! I am in love with this post. I always wonder the same thing! I think the job I really want is a life coach. I hear about it occasionally, and there are even degrees for it. But how does one “become” a life coach? So I get paid to run around with a clipboard and tell people how to run their lives? Done!!

  3. […] WRITE! Fully and honestly, I will write. I will be an exposed wound. I will be a nerd. I will be a cynical prick (Oooh, big shocker on that one Tony.) I will be political. And I will, as always, be a little dumb. […]

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